who's bad?

'isolated by the secrets of your fellow man' - saxon shore

i got this in email form from Sandi and thought i'd put it up here...

so what to do...
just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine.
keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine.
you don't need to confess your offenses, just the total fine....and put in the comment section....

fyi, my fine was $440.60.
Let the fun begin!


Smoked pot -- $10

Did acid -- $5

Ever had sex at church -- $25

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40

Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25

Had sex for money -- $100

Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20

Vandalized something -- $20

Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10

Beat up someone -- $20

Been jumped -- $10

Crossed dressed -- $10

Given money to stripper -- $25

Been in love with a stripper -- $20

Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10

Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15

Ever drive drunk -- $20

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50

Used toys while having sex -- $30

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20

Went skinny dipping -- $5

Had sex in a pool -- $20

Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10

Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20

Cheated on your significant other -- $10

Masturbated -- $10

Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20

Done oral -- $5

Got oral -- $5

Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25

Stole something -- $10

Had sex with someone in jail -- $25

Made a nasty home video -- $15

Had a threesome -- $50

Had sex in the wild -- $20

Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25

Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20

Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20

Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25

Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50

Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25

Went streaking -- $5

Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15

Been arrested -- $5

Spent time in jail -- $15

Peed in the pool -- $0.50

Played spin the bottle -- $5

Done something you regret -- $20

Had sex with your best friend -- $20

Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25

Had anal sex -- $80

Lied to your mate -- $5

Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

yearly retrospective on the life of sin

'dirty epic' - underworld

i both love & loathe this time of year.
i love it because i still have the childish glee of christmas & all that it entails. i enjoy the decorations, the smiles, the presents (both giving & receiving) and the parties. i also enjoy the time off - that much needed 'refresh-time'.
That's the good stuff for me. whatever people may say, it IS a season of goodwill - and i love that.

but there's the things i don't enjoy too.
the biggest thing is the whole restrospective i get into. i suppose it's natural, with the end of the year, the coldness of winter & my birthday coming up. it all makes me look back on the past year & beyond.
now, i know looking back & reflecting on past deeds is not necessarily a bad thing, but for some reason i only seem to reflect on the bad things that happened.
and it hasn't been all bad. 2006 has brought good things, but try as i might, it's always the crap that comes to the forefront.
But yeah, good stuff in 2006...
Australia...
My first summer birthday...
Sin Parents coming over...
Friends - new & old...
Arab Strap...
Being somewhat stronger...

and then i kind of get stuck.
there MUST have been more that happened this year. there MUST be more to my life.

thought something good was coming too - but i managed to screw up & i think i lost my chance...cursed myself before it even started.

also, i NEVER feel homesick, here is home to me. but now at xmas? yup, i feel frigging homesick for family.

thanks to frangipani for introducing the above webcomic.

mappity map

'young folks' - peter, bjorn and john

got curious about the photo i took of fuji, because there was a curl of coast that looked like it would be easy torecognise on a map.
so had a look at yahoo maps, and i found it. (for the map challenged, look at it upside down, and you'll recognise it...)
it's all near Shimizu City in Shizuoka prefecture.

the second picture of fuji shows the west side of the Izu Peninsula in the background.

so there you are. now all your curiousity about the photos of mount fuji should be satisfied...

fantastic fuji

yndi halda - 'dash and blast'

just wanted to share a couple of photos from my to trip to kyushu.
can't believe how lucky i was with the weather & my seat in the plane.
doesn't fuji look gorgeous from above?

in other news, life is good. coasting down to the end of the year & new year break.
also starting to plan my trip to england & france in february. (shit time of year to go, but the flights are dead cheap...)

and just planning to relax, catch up & recharge at the end of the year.

oh yeah, guess i better do some xmas shopping too...arghhhh....

soundtrack of my life...

Been memed by j-ster & as i have my brand spanking new ipod with me & a computer handy, thought i would take up the gauntlet...

Here goes....


What does next year have in store for me?
Shoot the Singer - Pavement

What's my love life like?
With or Without You - U2 (hmm...kind of does sum it up!!)

What do I say when life gets hard?
Lurgee - Radiohead

What do u think of on waking up?
Lush 3-5 - Orbital

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Something I can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails (is my ipod making a comment on my chances to actually have a wedding?!)

What do you want as a career?
What's that Light? - Bugskull

Your favourite saying?
Planet - Supercar

Favourite place?
Cream of Gold - Pavement

What do you think of your parents?
サラウンド　－　クラムボン　(Surround - Crammbon)

What's your Pornstar name?
Homesick - The Cure

Where would you go on a first date?
Smile - Telepopmusik (guess this is more what i'd DO on the first date!!)

Drug of choice?
Ask - the Smiths (hehehe...)

Describe Yourself
Scar Tissue - Red Hot Chili Peppers (not sure if i like this answer...)

What is the thing i like doing most?
Are You Gonna Be My Girl? - Jet (guess that means i like boys picking me up...not far wrong..)

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
Rodney Yates - David Holmes (song title doesn't fit, but the music does...mellow & spaced..)

How will I die?
Nothing Came Out - Moldy Peaches (will i die of constipation? ew!!)

adventures in kyushu

NOTE TO READERS: i don't have my wire to connect the camera to the computer so can't put my photos up...will try & do it next week or at the weekend...

mad words - 'freight train'

let me tell you about my adventures in kyushu.
are you sitting comfortably? then i'll begin...

well, it started with a huge hangover. not a good beginning to the weekend.
luckily, i'd been a bit more organised earlier in the week & had sent my suitcase down by takkyubin - so i didn't have to pack much.

did have a good night making the hangover though. L's brother was over from england, so in honour that, we went to Buttu Trick Bar in Shibuya, then to karaoke, and then to gas panic.
got home at stupid o'clock & forgot to drink my usual bottle of aquarius. so saturday morning was very slow & painful.
and because of the slowness, i didn't really look at the clock when i was getting ready. and because of my fuzzy head, i didn't really factor in the travel time to the airport.
then, i had a sudden awakening...'OH F**K!!! it takes an hour to the airport & my flight is in 70 minutes'
did manage to get to the airport just in time.
Luckily, i was using ANA's SKIP service. it's a true ticketless service because i just used my mileage card & went directly to security, waved my card over an electronic reader thingy, went to the gate & waved my card over another thingy; got a little receipt (which acts as a boarding pass) and got on the plane.
so i made my flight in a fog of panic & hangover. i'm glad i don't have heart trouble, because i think the stress may have killed me...

the flight itself was pretty uneventful - except for the wonderful view of mount fuji. very impressive.



after a couple of trains, i made it to iizuka (飯塚) in fukuoka prefecture.
it was once the centre of kyushu's mining industry, but they've pretty much all closed down now, so it kind of had a neglected feeling about it. reminded me of home...

heard a funny story though...
when the miners got drunk, they tended to have fights (as drunken men have a tendency to do..)
but iizuka drunk miners were rumoured to have knives in one hand and sticks of dynamite in the other. can't imagine the hangovers...wake up in the morning, feeling like crap & with no arms...

in the evening, i met up with Mooney & the rest of Mad Words and headed over to the event space. it was an interesting place - weird for a jug band concert though - kind of a nice cafe with big glass windows. arrived just to see the first act - a guy i had seen before at the yokohama jug band festival. he does this song where everyone dances like an elephant - don't ask, just accept it!!
then it was time for Mad Words. and as expected it was great - i spent the whole time smiling. the 'leader' tetsu does funny little magic tricks between songs & interacts with the audience a lot, which is really fun to watch & join in with. great performers, all of them.

after that, we all went drinking together; the musicians, the people who organised the event & some fans. it was a great evening - we ate motsu nabe (もつ鍋), a kyushu specialty, which could be translated as 'offal hotpot'. however, i prefer not to translate it & pretend ignorance to what i am eating...
it actually tasted ok, but that was because of the miso, veggies & spicy sauce it's cooked in. the motsu itself didn't taste of much & really don't know why people choose to eat it - it's kind of like meaty rubber. suppose it harkens back to old times when people didn't waste any bit of an animal...
not the most wonderful of dishes, but not quite as bad as i had imagined...

somehow, by the end of the night i had invited myself along to the next night's show in kurume (久留米)....
and sang karaoke (AGAIN) in a weird little snack bar, with a master who insisted accompanying everyone on electric guitar - even if he didn't know the song. definitely one of the more surreal moments of the weekend...

and then it was sunday...
started the day with a stinking hangover - see a pattern emerging here?!
then proceeded to travel to kurume with Mooney & co. man, was that torture!!!
hangovers & cars should NOT be mixed.
anyway, we finally arrived in kurume - in the south-west of fukuoka prefecture after a tortuous hour on the road.
slept for a few hours & woke up feeling a lot more human & ready for food. if you say 'kurume' to japanese people, quite a few of them will say 'ramen' (a lot of others will say 'WHY?', but that's a whole different story...)
anyway...before i get completely side-tracked...
i had to sample some of the local fare and tonkotsu ramen (豚骨ラーメン) is nice and oily - prefect hangover food. had a side order of gyoza too just to completely kill the hangover...
definitely hit the spot...

and the it was time for music...
it was a very fun evening - first up was a 'Peter, Paul & Mary' cover band; very folky but kind of sweat.
the next up was a local jug band. they very fun & very energetic.
and finally Mad Words again.
by this point, the crowd had worked themselves up into a little drunken frnezy & were very vocal in their support.
and for some completely bizarre reason, there was someone wearing a plastic horse's head. have absolutely no idea why - definitely another bizarre moment of the weekend...

and then, as quickly as it had begun, it was all over.
and off i headed to the station, ready to head up to hakata in order to start work on monday.

and there ended my kyushu weekend adventure...fuelled by alcohol, music & smiles. it was a wonderful little escape to places new.

deal or steal?

'rumble' - link wray

so, things have been good lately. heading into the crispy season, as i like to call it.
The air's crispy, the ground's kind of crispy & even some of the food is crispy.
great!

couple of weeks ago, discovered the deal of the century...well, i think it is anyway.
i have yet to get my bill so i am no 100% sure - but don't think i screwed up the japanese THAT much.
so what was the deal?
well, i got an ipod nano & a brand new mobile phone for FREE!!!!
had read about the deal, and thought it must be too good to be true. how can a company benefit from giving away an ipod?
so, i toddled along to the softbank store to find out more.
and yes, there was a catch...i had to sign up for a new price plan.
but the new price plan was cheaper than my old plan!
AND i get to send mail & call other softbank people (formerly known as vodafone, which was known as j-phone) for *FREE*!
and considering most my friends use softbank, i was onto a win-win thing.
have found one little sneaky thing so far, the information about this is only in japanese.
but i really don't know where the catch is.
guess softbank is worried about keeping customers or soemthing...but they have kept me.
Oh yeah!

On other exciting news, am off to fukuoka on saturday for a work + fun combo.
going to see Mooney & his band Mad Words in Shin-Iizuka. that should be a fun night & am looking forward to getting away from everything for a little while.
then i spend the whole of next week working in Hakata - the gateway to kyushu. nice city & friendly people.

so, yeah, life is good right now.

.autumn skies.

'the revolution will be streaming' - saxon shore

it's that time of year again...autumn.
love it. think of all the seasons, this one is my favourite here.
english autumns are nasty & evil & just a long wet prelude to an even longer & darker winter.
but japanese ones? lovely!
there's that nip in the air, the pure blues skies, the vivid colours & excellent food.
love it!

and one of the things i like most is that fuji comes back to us.
from mid-april to about now, mount fuji disappears into a mist of smog & heat haze.
but around now, she (always thought of fuji as female...) comes back in all her glory.
had my first glimpse of a snow-covered fuji yesterday morning on the train into work.
then, had an awesome view of her last night when the sun was setting - see the photo i took with my keitai last night (fuji's lurking on the right hand side...)

don't know why, but i always feel better if i see fuji in the morning. and luckily, during the autumn/winter season, i can see fuji most mornings from the train on my way to work.

but you know the sad thing? every morning, i look out of the window, hoping for my daily glimpse, and i am the only one looking. everyone else is absorbed in their books/games/newspapers/etc.
i find that incredibly sad, but it also satisfies me....because i am alone in my 'fuji admiration society'. it's like fuji just belongs to me!

galloping away in the land of nod

dreams - cranberries

don't know if it's all tied up with how i am feeling of late, but i have been having the most horrible nightmares lately.
i wake up physically tired, because i feel like i have been fighting all night.
let me give you a couple of examples from this week...

the first one was that someone was stalking me.
i was at home and in bed (this is in my dream) and the stalker managed to get into my bedroom.
he sat down on my bed...and this is the scary part - in my dream i could FEEL someone sit on my bed.
so, some part of my sub-conscious told me, 'wake up!! someone's in your room'.
so i dragged myself through various levels of sleep & managed to wake myself up.
i can only explain it like trying to swim to the top of the pool & get some air.
finally, i woke myself up and wow! bloody hell, my heart was beating so fast.
and i couldn't go back to sleep for hours. i'd really managed to scare myself stupid.
but the good thing was that there was no stalker....

the second one was last night & involved ex-boy.
now bear in mind that one of the reasons that we broke up was because he was unfatihful (this is the man that swore he could never cheat on anyone - yeah, no wonder i am screwed up now....but, hey, that's a whole different rambling monologue!!)
anyway, in my dream, we were broken up (as we are now), but for some dumb reason, i decided to go over to his place & ask him WHY he had chosen to be unfaithful.
and so i went over. and there he was with HER.
then for the rest of my dream, i hurled abuse at him & told him how much he had hurt me and damaged my trust in other people and so on.
ok, not so strange.
but then it got a bit weird....
because i was shouting & yelling & crying so much, i kind of lost the plot.
in fact, i would go as far to stay i lost complete control & started shouting at other people in my life. people who have been good to me, family, random strangers in my life...
it was like i had opened a flood gate & this whole stream of bitterness & anger just came flowing out.
and once i'd started, i couldn't stop.

and then i woke up.

i don't know which dream (maybe, nightmare is a better word here) scared me most.
losing control of my life, or losing control of myself? both pretty scary things...

alone

'girl afraid' - the smiths

be warned - this is not the happiest post in the world...

things in my world seem to get tougher & tougher & dealing with everything just seems so hard at times.
by 'things', i just mean everyday life. and the more i feel like this, the more pathetic i feel.
i mean, if you look at my life from the outside, things don't look that bad. in fact, i guess they would look pretty good.
but for me, on the inside of my life, i feel like crap.
why? in a word - loneliness.

i feel so damn alone.
i am constantly working, and i do enjoy it. and at the weekends, i have lovely friends who i can relax with & enjoy my free time.
so, yeah, it's not all bad.

but there are those days when you don't want to go out, and you just want top mooch all day.
those are the crap days.
those are the days when i no one calls, and the highlight of my day is talking to the staff in 7-11.
yes, i could pick up the phone. but what would i say? 'hey, i'm feeling really pathetic & lonely. will you be my friend?'
no, i am not going to say that.
and besides, the whole point of a mooch day is to stay home & mooch.

so, i bear my mooch days.

what else can i do? it's just making me really tired, and lately i've started crying for no reason.
well, there is a reason - just being lonely.
and the worse i feel, the more pathetic i feel, and then i feel even worse.
vicious damn cycle.

and PLEASE do not give me sympathy. that just makes me feel ungrateful & stupid.

..Octoberfest..

'great waves' - dirty three

when to the annual octoberfest up in minato mirai at the weekend. was excellent fun as usual - interesting crowd out there. hardcore drinkers, families, german fanatics and people who just happened to be there.
made me think about going last year, when indigo girl was still around. am missing you, sweety!
this year was some of the same members, but some new too. but it was nice. and the beer was good!!!

am feeling a bit weird this week. was feeling a bit down at the beginning of the week, then got bad news about my grandma. she needs to go into hospital to have a 'pelvic mass' removed. what IS one of those? sure doesn't sound good....
when things like this happen, i feel so bloody far away. thing is, even i were there, what could i do?

anyway - keep your good thoughts out for my grandma.

...i feel good...

'uhuru' - ramsey lewis

looks like autumn has nearly beaten down summer. the evenings are cooler & i am able to snuggle with my bear & seal (don't ask - they're my bed buddies...)
am also able to layer clothes and not just wear one tank top (yeah, ok, i know layering was a nineties thing, but i like it)
and soon the food here will get tasty - mushrooms, seafood, fish, and NABE! Woohoo!
Nothing like a good nabe to make you feel warm and cozy.

so, how am i? i'm good.
i feel a lot better for my long rambling cathartic scribblings last week.
also spent some time with frangipani at the weekend, which was refreshing. hadn't been to kichijioji for a long time - too long - and now i want to go back again and again and again...it's such a funky place.
full of cool & interesting people - and so many shops where i want to spend stupid amounts of money on silly things that have no clear functionability.

what else? hmmm...
do like a boy who shall remain nameless at this point. don't know how to proceed because i don't know if he's interested or not. does anyone have some secret test so i can find out? i don't want to make a fool of myself, but i don't want to waste away my life. sometimes i think, yes, maybe he IS interested. then other times, i think, no, there's no chance in hell.
so, what does a girl do? i wish it were simpler and i could just go up to him, tell him, and then he would say yes or no...but it doesn't work like that. now we're adults, we can't say what we REALLY feel/want. don't like that. so intead, i just hope and flirt a bit.
AND then there's the cultural thing - i can't work out j-boys.

they fascinate me because i don't know what they're thinking. i mean it's bad enough trying to work out a boy from the same culture, but one from a totally different culture? wow...
so yes, there's a j-boy-man that i am going a bit fluffy over - but i don't what to do...
HELP!!!!!

‘oscillate wildly’ – the smiths

be warned this is an extremely long & rambling post…get a cup of tea, go for a pee then start reading…

I said that i would try and get my thoughts down in some kind of way that other people can understand. however, it’s difficult. it’s hard to verbalise things that haven’t been fully formed, or even clarified. but I will try.

to put it bluntly, the last few months have been hard. lots of things have happened simultaneously, and they have left me tired & lonely. don’t worry – I am ok. I am especially ok when I have people around me. I just find it hard when I am alone at times – and even occasionally when I have poeple around me.

so, what’s been happening to make me like this?

on a physical level, I have just been very very busy with work. I spend approximately two weeks away from home every month & that wears me out. I still enjoy what I do, but I don’t like being cooped up in hotels or training centres away from my home comforts. it looks like it’s going to be like that for the rest of the year, and into January. but at least the money’s good…

on an emotional level, I have been struggling.

a good friend, S, was in hospital for about 4 months with a serious liver infection. meanwhile, his partner, M, was left at home anchorless. I was trying to been a support to lean on for him. and he has told me numerous times I was/am a good friend, which is lovely to hear. we came out of it all knowing that we are family. and that is a very reassuring thing.

but being strong for someone else is tiring. I did my best, and I think I succeeded. but there were times when I wanted to do was to curl up in a ball & cry. I didn’t (& still don’t) feel strong, but I had to be.

in other things, people around me seem to be moving forward with their lives, and I am not. friends are marrying, having babies, and generally sharing their lives.

and I am not. it makes my profoundly jealous at times. and I hate that part of me. of course I am happy for them, but jealously is such a horrible feeling to carry around. and however much I try to stop feeling like it, I can’t.

I don’t know whether this is part of the cause, but I have found myself withdrawing from people. people who are in the same country as me, I am not doing too badly. but people in other countries? I am being completely crap. I just don’t know what to say anymore. haven’t spoken to the parental types since they left japan in may. only speak to sis because she hunts me down by phone (thank you for that, a)

so please don’t be angry with me – I am still here.

I guess to put it completely bluntly, I have moments of complete and utter hopelessness.
and I hate it. but I really don’t know what to do.
what I would like is someone to put their arms around me, tell me they love me and convince me that things will be ok.

so, yeah, that’s me.

now that I’ve got the negative stream-of-consciousness out of the way, let me write around the good things that have been happening.
and, no, it hasn’t been all bad.

summer has nearly finished, maybe even has finished, and even though I didn’t have a holiday as such, I did do some fun things over the summer...

I went to wedding near the sea & saw many happy smiley faces…

I went to the sea twice, sat in a bar on the beach, watched the sun go down & listened to live music…

I went camping somewhere in kanagawa – where I went I am not exactly sure, but it was beautiful & green…

I went to a Japanese rock & roll/punk night & met lots of wonderfully cool (& friendly) rockers…

I went to fukuoka (on business – but I had my evenings free) and ate delicious ramen & met some friendly fukuokans…

And for j-ster – in answer to your questions…

what was the silliest thing you did this summer?

hmm…having someone lick spice off my forehead? or doing too many tequila shots – then forgetting what a bad effect they have on me and doing it all again the next night? or falling asleep in a bar – at the counter (think I did that twice, but I can’t exactly remember…)?

who do you love right now?

now that’s a toughy. no love at the moment – but do have someone I like, but he has absolutely no idea, and as I am sure it’s doomed anyway, I am never going to tell him.

what are you up to next?

well, fall training is starting on Saturday, so thought I would completely over-extend myself and do it when I am in time as a part-time trainer.

and I hope to go down to Izu at the beginning of november for a musical weekend (Mooney’s annual shimoda live event)

I am planning a trip back home in February – shitty weather, but the tickets are cheap…

and sis is coming over in golden week (Disneyland here we come!! and yes, i know golden week isn't till may, but a coming over is a big event!)

so yeah, a lot of things are coming up…

ooh…and one of the potentially more interesting job assignments coming up this autumn is teaching pilots! real live flying pilots! wonder if I can ask them to wear their uniforms?

me me me me me meme!

‘tomorrow my friend…’ – EF

have been memed by j-ster, so felt it my duty to answer the questions

also, I have to apologise for being completely crap and not posting as much as i shouls.
Do have a number of reasons why & am going to try to collect my scattered thoughts and organize them in some kind of understandable way.

Why do you blog?
that’s a good question…I started because of peer pressure (yes, you, j-ster & indigogirl!!) then ex-boy and me broke up and this blog became a place for me to say that things I couldn’t really say out loud – or just didn’t feel totally comfortable verbalizing. And now? What is it? Still a place for me to say the unspoken.

How long have you been blogging?
just over a year – think I started in july 2005. And what a year it’s been…

Self portrait?
bedraggled, bit crumpled round the edges, but still large chunks of smarkle.

Why do readers read your blog?
hmmm…that’s another good question. I would like to think it is because people are interested in me, and want to know how I am doing. Not really sure though. Why are YOU reading?

What was the last search phrase someone used to get to your site?
apparently, there is a dj in france called miss sin, so I get a lot of people looking for her.

Which of your entries unjustly gets too little attention?
attention wasn’t something I was looking for to start with. Think I would be shocked if I did get too much attention…

Your current favourite blog?
I like my friends’ ones – i can see them when they’re not here. Or if they are here, I can see different pieces of them.

What blog did you read most recently?
PostSecret.

Which feeds do you subscribe to?
does this mean food? Ha ha ha…am so technically challenged.

What four blogs are you tagging with this meme and why?
don’t know enough blogging people to tag…j-ster tagged most of the ones I know! Will tag tanabata though…haven’t been in touch enough & want to hear her reasons.

..in the summertime..

'inertia creeps' - massive attack

well, looks like summer's here.
the humidity has kicked in, and the urge to run away or dive into baths of cold water has begun...

oh yes. summer.

now, don't get me wrong - i am not an anti-summer person.
i am not even an anti-hot person.
what i am, though, is an anti-tokyo-summer person.
i hate it.
i hate how i am sweaty and irritable BEFORE i even get to work.
i hate being crammed on the train with lots of rank smelly people in the morning.
(i really think there should be a law that everyone MUST have a shower in the morning before they leave home - but that's a whole different rant...)
i hate how my make-up sags down my face, making me feel old & ugly.
i hate sweat rings on my clothes.
talking of sweat - i hate sweating in places i didn't know i could sweat.

but let me be clear - i do NOT hate summer.
i love watermelon, ice lollies, those glass wind chime things, katori senko (mosquito incensey stuff), festivals, BEER, and getting out of tokyo.

there are lots of good things about summer here - it's just that 'work' and 'tokyo summer' do NOT go together very well.

Kyushu...

convertible - wedding present

been meaning to write about the parental trip & kyushu.

it was great - had a nice relaxed time with them. they've really mellowed in the last few years. or perhaps it's just me? don't really know on that one - perhaps a bit of both.

we went to kyushu for 5 days and managed to do 3 prefectures (kumamoto, kagoshima & miyazaki), 2 volcanoes (aso & sakurajima), one castle (kumamoto), lots of roses, palm trees & general greenery. lots of ocean too & some mountains. even managed to squeeze in an onsen everyday (finally found the joy of them - sorry j-ster & indigogirl for realising WAY too late!!)

yeah - it was an all round nice trip. great to get away from home, and great to get the parents all to myself for a while.

also had a big milestone occur during this trip...

for as long as i have smoked (a few years too many) i have always hid it from the parents. little sis always said to me "why? you're an adult, you don't have to hide it". and i guess she was right. just a habit i got into, i suppose...

anyway, one night we were out at a wine tasting that i was translating for, and i got a bit drunk (hey, what's the point in translating about the wine if you haven't tasted it yourself?!)

anyway, once i'd had a few, i couldn't control my nicotine cravings, and thought 'bugger it', apologised to the parents & said that i was going to spoke. and they were remarkably cool about it. got some dirty looks from daddy sin, but mummy sin told him to shut up as he'd been a smoker once, and had no right to preach to me. funny how ex smokers are the strongest anti-smokers...

anyway - that kind of sums up the trip. it was lovely.

and in a nice kind of symmetry, we went to Sata Misaki (Cape Sata). this is the most southern point of mainland japan. if you look at the photo above, you can see a photo i took of the 31 degree line marker. apparently, we were on the somae latitude as Cairo, New Delhi, New Orleans, Shanghai and Karachi.

why was it a nice kind of symmetry? well, because the last trip i took with the parents was to Soya Misaki - the most northern part of mainland japan, way up in hokkaido (near wakkanai) which, for those of you who want to know, is 45 degrees north.

and that was a good trip too!! must be an adult now - i seem to enjoy spending time with my parents!!!

...no longer an untagged virgin...

let your conscience be your guide - space jam

i've been tagged! j-ster tagged me and i am now no longer untagged. yup, she broke my virginity tag!

i would have written up my responses sooner, but what with a buggered computer, the world cup, stupid amounts of work and silly volumes of alcohol, i have haven't had the time, energy or bodily coordination to get things sorted...

But here goes...

5 Movies/DVDs That I Have Watched Recently

Walk the Line - i love Johnny Cash. and a wonderful film - well deserved oscar, if i might say so!
21 Grams - is that the right title? damn dark, but couldn't stop watching it
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory (again) - oh johnny!
Code 51 - again, is that the right title? love samantha morton. i want to be her.
Beginning of random Steven Seagal film - thought he couldn't be as bad as people say. he was.


5 TV Shows That I Tend to Watch

Since i got satellite tv 6 months ago, i have renewed my love affair with tv.
think most of these shows have finished since i started wacthing them - but i still love them...

CSI (las vegas & miami)
Without a Trace
Felicity
Malcolm in the Middle
Six Feet Under


5 Restaurants I have Visited Recently

Do bars that serve food count? well, they do here...

Blue Corn - how can i live without it?!
Fat Mams - next door to blue corn...
Las Chicas - nice for sunny lunches...
Yukiguni - my favourite izakaya
La Boheme - great pizza


5 Foods That I Currently Enjoy Snacking On

Trying to cut down on snacks in my mission to be a thin svelte single girl in my 30s.
(and to make all random ex-boys feel bad that they screwed uop...hahaha...)

I did say trying - i have *so* not completely stopped...

jyagariko - love these potato chips stick things. any flavour works for me...
cheerio ice cream - way better than haagen daz, and less than half the price - bargain!
korean seaweed - damn tasty (and kind of halthy - i think/hope!)
banana chips - crunchy sweetness for that afternoon slump
grapefruit - for some reason i am having cravings for them lately...weird me


5 Musicians that I currently listen to

now this is a toughy - how can i just choose five?
but here goes...

Rolling Stones - they make me smile & sing
Mogwai - new album is bloody lovely
Johnny Cash - he makes me jiggle (that came out way worse than i intended)
Sigur Ros - somehow they still manage to make me cry
Sonic Youth - been reveisiting some of their older stuff lately - still rocks!

And i think that about does it!

and now for you. i'm not going to tag anyone in particular, but if you have the urge to answer these questions - please please do! and if you're blogless, feel free to come and answer in my comments. so want to hear what you're liking right now.

the only way is up!

elephant stone - stone roses

i've been told off by one dear reader for being far too negative here.
so, i am going to write something positive.

life is NOT all bad. far from it. in fact life is pretty good.
of course it could be better, but then again, if life couldn't be improved, then what's the point in living?
always need something to look forward to, or move on to or just something to improve on.

he-who-shall-not-be-named is still around, but i have decided to let things go.
why should i sit around moping? why should i blame him completely for everything?
it was partly my fault too. so, we'll be friends. friends that crossed an invisible bridge, but still friends all the same. he's a good guy - just misguided (after all, how can he choose someone over me?! hehehe...)

anyway - just wanted to let you know that things aren't as bad as they have previously seemed.

And i'm on holiday from next week, and i get to see volcanoes, castles, greenery, ocean and beach.
and best of all, i get to be a kid again and sit in the back of the car with my mum & dad.
and NOT have fights with sister sin.....(sorry, a, miss you, but don't miss the back seat armrest fights!!)


ah...kyushu here i come!

...humph...

something i can never have - nine inch nails

well, yes, i have been silent for a while.
mainly because i have STILL not got round to calling the internet company.

now, i have no access at all....my own fault...

so, here i am, at my desk, pretending that i am working...well, it's friday afternoon - brain's in neutral.

the last few weeks have been a giant rolleroaster of emotions and disappointments.
mostly involving one person who shall remain nameless.
in a nutshell, we flirted, got closer, got VERY close, and then got even closer.
and i was happy.
the flirtation had been going on for a while - and while i wasn't expecting big things, i thought that maybe there was some big sparks that could be fanned.

and then it all came crashing down.
he-who-shall-not-be-named decided that he didn't really want me as much as he had previously professed. in fact, there was another 'one' there that he wanted more.
and i was cast aside & left adrift.

and so, once more, i have been disappointed by someone who i thought was better than that.

my man-radar is seriously screwed. think i need a new one.


but, yes, i am ok. i am just disappointed with him for not really knowing what he wanted.
and i am disappointed in myself for letting myself be opened & being hurt.

argh...thank god for good, sanity saving, friends and alcohol.

finally, on a much more positive note, mummy & daddy sin are arriving tomorrow (the parental sins?) and they are staying in japan for 2 whole weeks. Hurrah.
it will be nice to have some family around - haven't touched base with any of them for over a year now.
and we're going to kyushu too. yay! so need a trip outside of kanto.

...s...l...o...w...

loomer - my bloody valentine

i have no idea what's going on with my computer...but the internet is *so* slow!
feel like i have gone back to dial-up. it takes so long to upload & download stuff, that i just give up.
as for websites with pictures? forget it!

thing is i am not really sure what's going on. is it my computer? is it the internet connection? is it the cable? wish i was more comuter savvy so i could find out what exactly the problem is. guess i should start by calling the internet company...in the meantime if anyone has any ideas about what could be wrong, please please tell me...

remember when we first got internet at home? and we all had dial up?
and we thought it was so cool & fast...
then broadband came along...
now i am getting *so* frustrated with the slowness, and to think that five years ago i would have been impressed with it all.
everything's getting faster & we're getting more & more impatient, and want everything NOW.
sometimes feel like a hamster on a wheel & i'm trying to run along & catch up with everything/everyone.
maybe i shouldn't call the internet company & just go slow for a while?

hm....nah! don't have to patience & i want to look at pretty pictures....

troubled...

1% of monster - mogwai

am feeling very out of sorts lately.
i feel disconnected, lost & disappointed.

i feel let down by a few people i have put my faith in.
no they haven't betrayed me or lied to me, but they have truly disappointed me.

i can't really write about the ins & outs of it all, because i might get myself into trouble.
but let me explain in a kind of round about way...

a lot of crap has happened in the past year, and i have been relying on a couple of ' safe places' to get me through it all.
one of them has turned out recently to be not as safe as i thought it was.
i have committed a lot of time & energy there, but i feel very very let down.
i am trying really hard to keep my motivation and be the best i can be, but it is proving hard.
when you don't feel valued - what IS the point?
and when you want to be heard but nobody really listens - what DO you do?
and when you shout and still nobody does anything - DO you stay?

that's one of the things that's been bothering me of late. it's starting to wear me out, but i really don't know where to turn.
so here i am.

and then the other things that is dragging me down is this whole single-flirtation thing.
how do you really know if the other person is interested, or just wants to play?
is there some secret code that i am not privy to? or is everyone stumbling around as blind as i am?
and do we settle, or do we wait until we get the one we really want?
it's been too damn long and i feel like i am the deep end of the pool trying to swim.
(and anyone who knows me well, will know that i am not happy when i am out of my depth...)

anyway - i am frustrated little girl who just wants to stamp her foot and say "it's NOT fair".
but that's not the really done thing for a 32 year old, is it?!

...boing...

vodiak - stereolab

it's HERE!

spring has finally sprung! don't know why, but i've really been looking forward to this spring.
winter doesn't usually bother me that much, in fact i quite like it, but this year has been grey & wet & generally crappy.
and i think going to to australia in the middle of the cold bit has made me crave greenness & colour.

but it's here. YAY!
the sun is getting warmer, the cherry blossoms are blooming & i can start wearing skirts without tights!

it's also a little landmark - another season of being single successfully completed.

how am i doing? honestly - i think i am doing pretty ok.
have dark days - but who doesn't?
wish i was in a relationship - but when i was in one, i sometimes wished i wasn't.
wish i was somewhere sometimes - but don't know where.

but i think that's pretty normal.

if i were up & positive all the time, then i would start worrying...but in the meantime, i am going to enjoy spring.

Little Fox...

starry eyed - cinerama

this film & people asking me about is beginning to annoy me.
of all the names they could choose for the little fox, they choose mine!!!

and do you know how many people have been saying 'do you know there's a movie with your name in it?' and each person thinks they're the first one to say it to me.
WELL YOU AREN'T!
lots & lots of people have asked me before you....

feeling a bit ranty today.
i've been fighting a damn cold for about a week & it's making me tired & irritated.
have taken the day off today, and the sun is shining - in fact it's a gorgeous day - but all i can do is sit & wallow in my own misery.
bah humbug.

so, if anyone has some ancient secret family recipes for horrible annoying tickly coughs, please let me know... (have already tried hot salty water, hot rum, hot soup, ice cream, minty drinks, hot tea....nothing really works that well)

the ex factor

'bittersweet symphony' - verve

well, been single now 6 months.
and to 'celebrate' that, ex-boy & me met & had dinner last night.

very weird & difficult to process.
i wasn't feeling on top of the world to start with (think i am fighting some kind of nasty bug - whole other story though....)
and i think i'm carrying a lot of anger/bitterness/frustration/sadness.
but it went well - we were civil, we didn't fight, and we had a nice evening.

how do i feel now?
i feel very very weird.
seeing him again after 6 months brought back so many conflicting emotions & memories.

on one side, i was really reminded about the good things we had.
we had a fun life, and we enjoyed being around each other. we could be ourselves.
it also brought back the reasons why we stayed together for 6 years.
those were good things feel.

on the other side, i was reminded about the reasons we are NOT together anymore.
the ways in which he frustrates me. how he infuriates me.
how there are things i cannot forgive him for. how the trust has been completely eroded.
and how did those things make me feel?
you know what, they made me feel empowered.

does that sound weird? i had a realisation that i don't need him. i can be me without him.
i don't need him to validate who i am.
i am not completely ruling out getting back with him, because there is a lot of good stuff there.
but i am *so* not going to go back to the way things were.

i am going to move forward - with or without him.
that's how i feel.

Photos...

'so easy' - royksopp

well, i have got myself a tad organised and uploaded about half of my australia pictures.
(thank you j-ster for recommending flickr - so simple, yet strangely advanced...)

haven't got to adelaide yet, because i think i over-exerted myself with the first batch...

there WILL be more to follow...

anyway - if you have time, please have a look-see.

..happy birthday to me..

'hoppipolla' - sigur ros

first - those of you who came, thanks for coming!
second - to those of you who couldn't come, it'll be even more fun next year, so come....

i had a great night, though if i am to be honest, i don't remember much after midnight.
so highlights of the evening?

seeing everyone, seeing mooney play, being sung to, playing spoons, seeing & receiving the biggest bottle of gin i have ever seen in my life, laughs, smiles & smarkles.

twas a very fun night - and i am looking forward to the next birthday...so who's up next?

oh - and before i forget - once i have some time, i will be sorting out my australia photos & uploading them somewhere. if anyone has any good recommendations about websites to put photos onto, let me know...need ideas & user reviews...

i'm back...but i'm not here

'saturday sun' - nick drake

i'm back.
i don't really have much to say tonight - just i am back.

i had a fabulous time, and it feels really weird being back here again.
i'm not jet lagged, but nothing feels real or right.

feel like i am in some kind of limbo - got to get back to my 'real' life, but on the other hand i don't want to let go of my summer feeling.
but i know it's going to fade, and all of those two weeks' worth of memories will get fainter & fainter.

i don't want that to happen.

bah humbug....i can't let things be damn simple can i?

i will write more about it all & post my photos....when i have energy.

finally - before i neglect them - i want to say a *huge* thank you to indigogirl & j-ster.
and the indigo & j families. thank you for letting me invade your lives - i really enjoyed it all.

the year's saddest day?

'take it or leave it' - the strokes

was reading a article in the telegraph today, and apparently 23rd January will be the saddest day of 2006.
supposedly it's all to do with SAD, starting work, debts from xmas and other random factors.

well, let me tell you, it is NOT the saddest day of 2006.
why? it's my bloody birthday, THAT's why!

can't believe out of all of the days in the year they have to choose my birthday.
and to add insult to injury, the psychologist who came up with the date works at the university i went to (cardiff)

so, bah humbug, to you, mr psychologist. i am going to make sure that 23rd January is going to be of the happiest of 2006.

so there.

moving forward, looking back

'ラストシーン' - asian kung-fu generation

the december/january period is always weird for me.
i get over the new year retrospective thing, then go directly into the birthday retrospective thing.
that's a long time for one girl to be looking back...not necessarily bad, but maybe not so good either.

feeling very odd today.
talked with ex-boy last night, and you know what?
it was nice.
in fact, it was very nice.
it's made me question whether or not going back might not be so bad.

i don't mean to say that these last few months have been a mistake, because they haven't been.
but maybe we needed some space & time to realise things - what we want, or what we've taken forgranted?

to be honest, i have NO idea.
what i am sure about, though, is that i am not going to rush into anything.
i am not going to go running back into his arms, expecting 'happily ever after'.
i'm going to take things slow and see where they go.

the first step is dinner next month. haven't seen him since the break up, so that'll be interesting.

but in the meantime, i have my journey to australia to see my lovely blonde friends.
that will definitely help me clear & cleanse myself, and be ready for this next stage - wherever it goes.