18 October, 2006

alone

'girl afraid' - the smiths

be warned - this is not the happiest post in the world...

things in my world seem to get tougher & tougher & dealing with everything just seems so hard at times.
by 'things', i just mean everyday life. and the more i feel like this, the more pathetic i feel.
i mean, if you look at my life from the outside, things don't look that bad. in fact, i guess they would look pretty good.
but for me, on the inside of my life, i feel like crap.
why? in a word - loneliness.

i feel so damn alone.
i am constantly working, and i do enjoy it. and at the weekends, i have lovely friends who i can relax with & enjoy my free time.
so, yeah, it's not all bad.

but there are those days when you don't want to go out, and you just want top mooch all day.
those are the crap days.
those are the days when i no one calls, and the highlight of my day is talking to the staff in 7-11.
yes, i could pick up the phone. but what would i say? 'hey, i'm feeling really pathetic & lonely. will you be my friend?'
no, i am not going to say that.
and besides, the whole point of a mooch day is to stay home & mooch.

so, i bear my mooch days.

what else can i do? it's just making me really tired, and lately i've started crying for no reason.
well, there is a reason - just being lonely.
and the worse i feel, the more pathetic i feel, and then i feel even worse.
vicious damn cycle.

and PLEASE do not give me sympathy. that just makes me feel ungrateful & stupid.

5 comments:

martine said...

how about empathy? empathy ok? i got plenny of empathy to give. it's a fucked time of the year. no-one seems happy right now (certainly not this little hopeless romantic, anyway). and alcohol ain't helping. nevertheless, wanna come up to my place Saturday night for dinner and some fine wine? you haven't made the fridge yet....

j-ster said...

can we give you kisses?

(long distance ones of course)

Anonymous said...

Hi there,

I'm a fellow gaijin girl in Japan who has been enjoying reading your blog. I've shared so many of the emotions that you've been going through and you have to know that many people are experiencing exactly what you're going through (but may not be open or brave enough to share it)! Like crying simply because we're lonely or wanting to avoid certain social functions because it's hard being a single person around so many couples and families. Sometimes, I would feel lonely, tired and just empty and want to cry, but not even have enough energy or passion to muster up tears and turn to sad tear-jerking movies and cheerfully cry through those! I've put on brave smiles and tried to be happy for those happy couples and families around me, while inside I'd feel sad, jealous and lonely and wonder what makes me so unloveable compared to those other lucky women that have managed to find the seemingly rare, lovely men that they seemed to have! We can be successful at our jobs, have great relationships with our families and friends, but it seems that finding someone to love is so out of our control. Oddly, the times I often felt most alone was when I was surrounded by people. I shared the fear that I would never find anyone (especially living in Japan as a foreign woman) with my parents and they would remind me that it only takes one. They say that people meet the extraordinary person they're looking for when they are least looking and I always thought that this applied to other people, just as other people seemed to be much luckier in love. For years I seemed to be very unlucky in love. I will say that although I believed myself to be the exception, one day I met a lovely man and everything changed. It takes just one person! Fairy tales do come true and for someone as brave and romantic and intelligent as the writer of this blog, I really think it will come true. Please don't lose hope, your romantic nature or your ability to feel all the emotions that you do. I think all these things about you will keep you the romantic and thoughful person who will turn the head of a deserving person. It only takes one!!

MissSin said...

Martine - thanks sweety. i will be taking up your offer very shortly...

j-ster - kisses are ALWAYS welcome!

anonymous - thank you, your words meant a lot.

Gaijin Girl said...

hi miss sin, new to your blog and got here via frangipani. i would write a long piece, but anonymous covered most of what i'd say, although mine doesn't have the happy ending hers does. if it helps, just know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do. it can be really difficult here sometimes, along with exciting and inspirational and everything else life throws at us.
hang in there and if you fancy a chinwag with a stranger, drop me a line.