20 September, 2005


'staralfur' - sigur ros

was just having a look back at what i've been writing lately.

my god - what a depressing blog to read.
i seem to have got myself into a bad habit of writing only when i am in the depths of despair/loneliness/panic.

so, tonight, i want to tell you that it's not all bad.
there are a lot of very very wonderful things that have been happening lately.
sometimes they're hard to see, but they ARE there.

and i would like to list some of the wonderful things i am finding:

1) friends & kindness.
by far and away, the best thing i am finding is friendship.
people are being wonderful to me. from close friends, to people who don't even know me that well & have no need to be kind - it really has been an eye-opener.
of course i knew people were out there, i just didn't expect them to be so 'there' (or 'here')
so, to all of you - even if you've just invited me out to do things (and i've said no) - thank you.
and all the further away friends who have just sent e-mail hugs, thank you. i can feel them.
i really appreciate it.

2) the sky.
i've always liked the sky. i like how it changes & looks different everyday.
but recently i have been looking up more (avoiding looking at people, perhaps?)
tonight's picture is from by the tama river yesterday - sun beginning it's daily descent.
i can look at the sky and somehow feel more connected. connected to what - i don't know.
but i just don't feel as lost.

3) time.
sometimes this is a good thing - i have ALL my time to myself.
i can see who i like, when i like & not have to factor in 'boy time'.
on the other hand, there are downtimes, when i am kind of lost & alone here - BUT i can always pick up the phone (see number 1)

4) blue corn.
this is my regular bar in tsunashima. the regulars there are great, the staff are just the best & they have live music every week (mainly blues, with some folk)
it's proved to be a safe haven for me during the last few stormy weeks.

5) here.
in some bizarre way writing here has been therapeutic for me.
i hate to bother people with my troubles too much, so i mostly when i am feeling completely shitty i write here.
and i feel better for getting out. not cured, but better for the moment.

so thank you for reading. and listening & being here, there or wherever.

and finally, before i forget, some of you have been telling me how you can't put comments on here.
how i used to do it (before i got this blog) was to click the 'anonymous' button.
then you can skip the whole registration process.
just put your name inside the comment (so i know who you are - but if you prefer being anon, that's cool too!!)

17 September, 2005

tough times

'raindrops' - tindersticks

so, here i am.

2 weeks and counting.
know i shouldn't be counting and i should be getting on with life & stuff, but i can't.

i really feel stuck & i don't want to bore people with everything, so i am writing here.

the logical part of me knows that all this happened for a reason & i wasn't 100% happy before.
but the rest of me feels like i made a mistake.

the thought of not having him in my life makes me feel physically sick.
and i can't imagine myself with anyone else. i can't imagine myself with anybody. full stop.

never had a very good self-image to start off with, but now?

i am having a hard time seeing anything positive about myself.
have wonderful people around me telling me how great i am, but you know what?
as much as i want to believe them, i don't.
i don't feel pretty. i don't feel lovable. i don't feel like a good person.

i really cannot see anything good about me.
and whatever my wonderful friends say, i still don't believe them & that makes me feel worse.
i can't even trust/believe the people who care...what the hell is wrong with me?

i am really beginning to feel like there's no way through this.

i get through my days, then come home. and then i cry.
i can't bear to be alone. i can't stand the thought of long hours of nothingness.
and that what my life looks like right now. a big bleak nothingness.

so, i may look like i am ok. but i don't think i am.

i just don't want to spread my negativity around. it's bad & it's dark in my world right now.

11 September, 2005

how are you?

'sideways down' - the frames

this is the hardest question for me to answer right now.
do i give the feel good answer, or do i say the truth?

the truth, i am NOT ok. i feel horrible.
i feel like there's nothing to look forward to & nothing has any meaning anymore.

it's like i am going through the motions of an empty life & i can't tell people that.

i honestly feel completely hopeless.

but when someone asks me, 'how are you?', i can't tell them that.

so i am telling you now. i am not ok.
i am a lost girl in a big scary world & i really don't know what to do.

i have lost my anchor.

08 September, 2005


well, as you may have guessed, it's been a tough week.

not made easier by the fact that i haven't had any contact with friends - except texting.

no - i am not in self-imposed exile, it's just because of work.
i'm teaching WAY out in kanagawa, so don't have time (energy?) to see people.
But tomorrow will come soon...and then the weekend.

one thing i have found in the last week is smiles & friendship.

and sometimes from very unexpected places...

last saturday night, my friend & me decided to go out to our regular bar.
he also said that we should do fireworks by the river as a kind of closing to one period & opening to the this new chapter.
anyway, we went to the convenience store & nothing....argghhh.
this is japan - it's now september and firework season has finished.
therefore, no fireworks.

not to be deterred, my friend & i decided that we would enjoy ourselves despite this hiccup.
so, had dinner, then went along to our bar.

at some obscene hour in the morning, the bar master comes along and says 'look!'
there outside in the street - FIREWORKS!!!
the bar staff had heard that we couldn't find any, so they went out on a trek for fireworks & found some! amazing!
so off we all went to the river and spent an amazing hour doing sparklers & senko hanabi.
wonderful wonderful evening.
not at all expected & even more lovely because of that.

yeah - life isn't wonderful, but it's not shite either.

03 September, 2005

this is the end

cure - 'homesick'

well, it's done and it's over.

the boy & me have broken up. and it's fucking painful.
six years is a long time, and i feel shipwrecked right now.

i don't feel alone, because i wonderful supportive friends around me, but i feel horribly lonely.
and very very lost. i feel like part of my identity has been torn away.

the rock which i have relied on and leant on is gone.
on a logical, mental level, i know this is the right thing.

but my heart & soul don't agree.

on that logical level, i know i will be ok, and life will go on.

but even though i know it & believe it, it's so damn hard.


that's my new mantra.

so, if you see me around, give me a hug & tell me i'm doing ok.

01 September, 2005

love isn't enough

'suck' - wedding present

i always thought that if you love someone enough, everything else will work out - or fall into place.
but, i am finding out that the reality of life is nothing like that.
love really isn't enough - you cannot survive on or with love alone.
there is so much more you need to sustain a relationship - but what those things are, i don't know.

or maybe i fell in love with the wrong person?
who knows...because i sure don't.

i'm just so tired of everything right now, and wish i had a big fat brush & a giant rug, so i could sweep everything under it and pretend it wasn't there.

not a good thing to do, but i am so tired of thinking & trying to decided what to do.
i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to deal with things anymore.
i just want him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me everything will be ok.

but that really won't help things.

so i try & remember that tomorrow IS another day - and hopefully when i wake up, there'll be a big shiny blue sky.