14 September, 2006

‘oscillate wildly’ – the smiths

be warned this is an extremely long & rambling post…get a cup of tea, go for a pee then start reading…

I said that i would try and get my thoughts down in some kind of way that other people can understand. however, it’s difficult. it’s hard to verbalise things that haven’t been fully formed, or even clarified. but I will try.

to put it bluntly, the last few months have been hard. lots of things have happened simultaneously, and they have left me tired & lonely. don’t worry – I am ok. I am especially ok when I have people around me. I just find it hard when I am alone at times – and even occasionally when I have poeple around me.

so, what’s been happening to make me like this?

on a physical level, I have just been very very busy with work. I spend approximately two weeks away from home every month & that wears me out. I still enjoy what I do, but I don’t like being cooped up in hotels or training centres away from my home comforts. it looks like it’s going to be like that for the rest of the year, and into January. but at least the money’s good…

on an emotional level, I have been struggling.

a good friend, S, was in hospital for about 4 months with a serious liver infection. meanwhile, his partner, M, was left at home anchorless. I was trying to been a support to lean on for him. and he has told me numerous times I was/am a good friend, which is lovely to hear. we came out of it all knowing that we are family. and that is a very reassuring thing.

but being strong for someone else is tiring. I did my best, and I think I succeeded. but there were times when I wanted to do was to curl up in a ball & cry. I didn’t (& still don’t) feel strong, but I had to be.

in other things, people around me seem to be moving forward with their lives, and I am not. friends are marrying, having babies, and generally sharing their lives.

and I am not. it makes my profoundly jealous at times. and I hate that part of me. of course I am happy for them, but jealously is such a horrible feeling to carry around. and however much I try to stop feeling like it, I can’t.

I don’t know whether this is part of the cause, but I have found myself withdrawing from people. people who are in the same country as me, I am not doing too badly. but people in other countries? I am being completely crap. I just don’t know what to say anymore. haven’t spoken to the parental types since they left japan in may. only speak to sis because she hunts me down by phone (thank you for that, a)

so please don’t be angry with me – I am still here.

I guess to put it completely bluntly, I have moments of complete and utter hopelessness.
and I hate it. but I really don’t know what to do.
what I would like is someone to put their arms around me, tell me they love me and convince me that things will be ok.

so, yeah, that’s me.

now that I’ve got the negative stream-of-consciousness out of the way, let me write around the good things that have been happening.
and, no, it hasn’t been all bad.

summer has nearly finished, maybe even has finished, and even though I didn’t have a holiday as such, I did do some fun things over the summer...

I went to wedding near the sea & saw many happy smiley faces…

I went to the sea twice, sat in a bar on the beach, watched the sun go down & listened to live music…

I went camping somewhere in kanagawa – where I went I am not exactly sure, but it was beautiful & green…

I went to a Japanese rock & roll/punk night & met lots of wonderfully cool (& friendly) rockers…

I went to fukuoka (on business – but I had my evenings free) and ate delicious ramen & met some friendly fukuokans…

And for j-ster – in answer to your questions…

what was the silliest thing you did this summer?

hmm…having someone lick spice off my forehead? or doing too many tequila shots – then forgetting what a bad effect they have on me and doing it all again the next night? or falling asleep in a bar – at the counter (think I did that twice, but I can’t exactly remember…)?

who do you love right now?

now that’s a toughy. no love at the moment – but do have someone I like, but he has absolutely no idea, and as I am sure it’s doomed anyway, I am never going to tell him.

what are you up to next?

well, fall training is starting on Saturday, so thought I would completely over-extend myself and do it when I am in time as a part-time trainer.

and I hope to go down to Izu at the beginning of november for a musical weekend (Mooney’s annual shimoda live event)

I am planning a trip back home in February – shitty weather, but the tickets are cheap…

and sis is coming over in golden week (Disneyland here we come!! and yes, i know golden week isn't till may, but a coming over is a big event!)

so yeah, a lot of things are coming up…

ooh…and one of the potentially more interesting job assignments coming up this autumn is teaching pilots! real live flying pilots! wonder if I can ask them to wear their uniforms?


tanabata said...

I'm so sorry to hear about S. Wow! 4 months! I hope he's doing better now.

Yes, let's do shopping...soon!

arumanda said...

otsukare. seems to have been one big kinda summer for you. you're not alone though. and thanks for sharing.

ganbatte with training.

arumanda said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
j-ster said...

The "who do you love" question was pretty loaded, i know, but i was thinking it could include people like M and S, esp since you have been spending a lot of energy on them.

Thanks for letting us know whats going on with you! I suspect that took a few cups of tea (or glasses of something) to write. Its hard being alone, but for all those pairing up and reproducing, there are still quite a few of us unattached, and still a million different ways of living your life.

I mss Tokyo and all of you gals, id so love to come for a visit and a few drinks!

P said...

Hang on in there Smiler!!

Anonymous said...

Correction: DisneySEA here we come. They serve alcohol there, heh heh.
Little Sister

Anonymous said...

I've been practicing Starman for my next go at the rock and roll karaoke bar. In honor of our missin, I will be happy to exchange smarkle for sparkle in that line, 'If we can smarkle, he may land tonight.'

Just for you dear, there are lots of us out here think you're spacial. Um...special.

the king