26 February, 2006

the ex factor

'bittersweet symphony' - verve

well, been single now 6 months.
and to 'celebrate' that, ex-boy & me met & had dinner last night.

very weird & difficult to process.
i wasn't feeling on top of the world to start with (think i am fighting some kind of nasty bug - whole other story though....)
and i think i'm carrying a lot of anger/bitterness/frustration/sadness.
but it went well - we were civil, we didn't fight, and we had a nice evening.

how do i feel now?
i feel very very weird.
seeing him again after 6 months brought back so many conflicting emotions & memories.

on one side, i was really reminded about the good things we had.
we had a fun life, and we enjoyed being around each other. we could be ourselves.
it also brought back the reasons why we stayed together for 6 years.
those were good things feel.

on the other side, i was reminded about the reasons we are NOT together anymore.
the ways in which he frustrates me. how he infuriates me.
how there are things i cannot forgive him for. how the trust has been completely eroded.
and how did those things make me feel?
you know what, they made me feel empowered.

does that sound weird? i had a realisation that i don't need him. i can be me without him.
i don't need him to validate who i am.
i am not completely ruling out getting back with him, because there is a lot of good stuff there.
but i am *so* not going to go back to the way things were.

i am going to move forward - with or without him.
that's how i feel.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Now i got broadband and joined the 21st century (somewhat belatedly...) i get to see your stuff online! cool. either you're really clever at this or the website makes it easy - will leave that one open. not read everything as tired and about to go to sleep, but at least i got here eventually. oz looks good, nice to get a bit of summer when everythings grey & wet & crap. (or cold & dry & static electric hair & crap in tokyo winter - or maybe it was just me with static hair issues).
love from little sister
ps. if you're going to end up taking him back, make him suffer first...

j-ster said...

Men, bah, who needs them!

(Men, dammit, I WANT ONE !!!!!!!!!)

Natalie said...

well, I found my old password and I'm finally going to make a comment from this side of the world. First: Happy belated birthday!!! Sorry for being crap at remembering people's b-days. Second: Dinner with the ex?!?! I'm curious to see how long until the 2 of you make contact again. As for taking him back, isn't that like having the leftover dinner out of the fridge? But then, I'm out of the loop and I don't know the nitty gritty details of the breakup.

take care & big hugs coming your way...

Phill said...

a very brave move to go out to dinner with the ex - playing with fire! it is great to see how you've moved on in the last 6 months - your messages of a few months ago were so full of despair and unhappiness - so to read that you're feeling empowered has got to be a good thing. be positive - life's too short. yeah man..

arumanda said...

powerful miss sin.

been where you are. probably still are. mine is a pain in the arse, but i still think of him often. i wonder if that's because i really miss him, or i really miss company. is it a him thing or a lonely thing? i don't know, but they never go away. perhaps new blood seeps out the new.

here's to your fabulous growth and simple magnificinty.
smiles to you