26 February, 2006
the ex factor
well, been single now 6 months.
and to 'celebrate' that, ex-boy & me met & had dinner last night.
very weird & difficult to process.
i wasn't feeling on top of the world to start with (think i am fighting some kind of nasty bug - whole other story though....)
and i think i'm carrying a lot of anger/bitterness/frustration/sadness.
but it went well - we were civil, we didn't fight, and we had a nice evening.
how do i feel now?
i feel very very weird.
seeing him again after 6 months brought back so many conflicting emotions & memories.
on one side, i was really reminded about the good things we had.
we had a fun life, and we enjoyed being around each other. we could be ourselves.
it also brought back the reasons why we stayed together for 6 years.
those were good things feel.
on the other side, i was reminded about the reasons we are NOT together anymore.
the ways in which he frustrates me. how he infuriates me.
how there are things i cannot forgive him for. how the trust has been completely eroded.
and how did those things make me feel?
you know what, they made me feel empowered.
does that sound weird? i had a realisation that i don't need him. i can be me without him.
i don't need him to validate who i am.
i am not completely ruling out getting back with him, because there is a lot of good stuff there.
but i am *so* not going to go back to the way things were.
i am going to move forward - with or without him.
that's how i feel.