24 June, 2008

Consumptive Diaries - Part 10: Just When You Think Things Can't Get Any Worse

As you know, things in Sinland have been on the edge this week.

I've manage to control my uncontrollable tears, but am still having outbursts of (ir)rational rage. Severely had to rein myself in on the train this morning - wanted to start screaming at people to get their stinky sticky sweaty bodies away from mine. And if one more person elbows me in the back on the train, be warned...

But yeah, i thought things couldn't get any worse this week.

Well, never EVER think that. EVER!
The German talked to his boss about the time frame of moving back to Germany.
And the boss told K that he has to be back by the beginning of September.


That's only 2 months away. and with the whole TB thing, means that there's not much time for The German & i to spend together before he leaves.
And not only that, what are we going to do? What am I going to do?
So, we have to make all these life changing decisions in the f-ing hospital.
And it is definitely not conducive to deep discussions about our future.

And today, The German's mum arrives, or as my mum calls her, the mother-in-law. Planning to go out for dinner with her this evening. Am nervous.
But if she's anything like K or his lovely sister, then we'll be OK.

But to be honest, i really just want to run away from it all. I don't want to make any decisions. I don't want to have to decide anything. I want someone else to do it for me.
But i am not 12 anymore. I have to make my own choices. And what will they be? I have no fucking idea.

23 June, 2008

Consumptive Diaries Part 9: Studies in Stress

Know i've written about this before, but i am stressed.
Actually, i think it should be written in capitals: STRESSED.
And in bold: STRESSED.
And maybe even italics: STRESSED

No, think the italics diminish the severity of it all.
I'm just STRESSED.

K has his third set of sputum tests last week, and the results came back as a 6 and a 9. His first ones were 10 & 10. He needs a 3 to get out. It's taken 5 weeks to get to 6 & 9.
FUCK - this will never end!!
On the positive side though, the doctors said they may, possibly, perhaps let him out in 4 weeks.
Nothing definite though.

Meanwhile, i am completely losing the plot.
I've casually been observing my varying states of stress and what's been happening to me (as you do)
My stress journey has gone through various stages; first was short term memory loss & extreme tiredness.
This morphed into anger & irritation.
Then i graduated onto an upset stomach.
Which then turned into extreme nightmares & physical aches.
And now, to top off the stress cake, i have myself having (ir)rational bursts of rage which subside into uncontrollable tears.

I think i hit a stress wall yesterday at full speed. Feel bruised & broken & scared.

I want The German to come home, but when he gets home we've got to start thinking about what happens next: move to Germany or stay here. And that whole discussion scares the crap out of me.
I'm still trying to fulfill all my work commitments satisfactorily.
My parents are here & i want to try & make time to see them, but also want to be with K.
K's mum is arriving next week, so feel i should make sure she gets oriented to Tokyo OK.
And i'm not even starting to think about Sandi leaving. Can't manage that right now.

I want to take some time out for me, but i just can't seem to fit it in anywhere.

But, next, the Parental Sins are taking me away to Okinawa. I get to stay in a really nice hotel, see beautiful beaches & ocean and escape everything here. Don't think i've ever needed it more.

And i know some of you may wonder, but K does know how i feel. That's one of the good things about us, the doors of communication have remained open. And i know when i get to the hospital tonight, he's going to welcome me, hold me & let me cry.

16 June, 2008

Consumptive Diaries Part 8: Ennui

We're onto week 5 now. Another round of sputum tests coming up. Hopefully he won't be as toxic...

K is physically doing fine.
He's regaining some of the weight he lost because of the TB (about 4 kg) and the weight he lost because of pissy sized portions in hospital (1 kg). He's still skinny as hell & looks like a stereotypical TB patient (protruding ribs, etc), but as least he is not losing weight anymore.
He's also pretty much stopped coughing.
And the cavity in his lung is getting smaller - in fact nearly gone.
So that's all good.

And it's also the big problem.

Because he's feeling pretty healthy, he's become increasingly frustrated with the situation.
He's stuck on the 13th floor, no access to the outside - or even the 1st floor, gets no fresh air, cannot speak to anyone and has a large amount of energy that he can't get rid of.
This results in him having increasing moments of despair & it's really hard to see.
Makes me feel completely helpless & i have no idea what to do. All i want to do is kidnap & take him home.

In more positive news, K's sister is here for the moment. Means that K gets to see someone other than me; i get some time off hospital visiting and he gets a load of German stuff.
Also, Sandi came round with an X-box. (word to the wise: don't even bother playing racing games against someone who is a professional test driver, it's kind of humiliating...)
Thanks Sandi!

Got my parents arriving at the end of the week. Ironically, they arrive on an Air France flight the same day as K's sister leaves on one - so they're more than likely using the same plane...
Then K's mum arrives next week sometime.
Think they all will probably end up meeting each other. Not quite how i imagined it all panning out, but hey...

And in completely non-TB related news...
Was talking to Toru of PPP at the weekend. And he told me that Psysalia is scheduled to play at Summer Sonic. SUMMER SONIC!!!! That's so cool. One of the biggest music festivals in japan!
Pretty exciting, huh?!

09 June, 2008

Consumptive Diaries: Part 7 - Extreme Anality

Well, we're into week 4 now. And it looks like there's at least 4 more weeks.
The German had his fortnightly sputum tests last week, and came up with a 7 & 10.
Seeing as the standard discharge score is 0, K looks to be staying there for a while. The doc did, however, tell K that he is a special case (ie foreign & can't speak Japanese & therefore lonely) so they'll let him out when he gets to 3.
But 7 & 10 definitely aren't 3.

Last week was a bad week for The German.
Firstly, he got the test scores back. He was hoping for lower - which would give him hope - the light at the end of the LONG DARK hospital tunnel. So the results did knock away a lot of positivity - for both him & me.
Then he got told off. Why? Well, apparently other inmates have complained that K hums while he brushes his teeth.
Not only that, the evil German also whistles while he's making coffee.
And that's not all, the naughty disrespectful German has the nerve to use deodorant - THAT SMELLS NICE!!!!!
What a selfish bastard, eh?
So the nurse told him off.

Yup, can show NO signs of ANY positivity in case you may piss off the other patients.

So, in order to improve the German's image, his band turned up at the hospital yesterday with a guitar, a bongo drum & K's bass. What to know how long they managed to play before they got told off? 10 minutes.
But it made K smile - the first real one i had seen all week.

:::WARNING - Extreme Rant Below:::

As for me, i am constantly tired. I am so tired that my short memory is completely screwed - i can't remember things i have done the day before. I am also struggling hard with resentment. i HATE this situation. I hate that i am in it. And i hate that nobody can help me. I hate going to the hospital every fucking day. I hate the hospital. And i hate that i have deal with all this crap and still have to do my job. I dream about having a whole day to myself where i don't have to leave home & can just sit on the sofa, drink beer, and watch crap TV.

And now I've got that out, I'll shut up.

02 June, 2008

Consumptive Diaries Part 6: Top Ten Frustrations/Stresses

I have been writing a lot about my frustration & stress over the last couple of weeks, but haven't really mentioned how The German's been feeling.
So, Friday i asked K to write down his top ten frustrations & i also made my list.

Here is The German's Top Ten (in no particular order):
  1. Not enough food
  2. No proper sex
  3. No smokes
  4. No clubbing/bars/etc
  5. Walls/being locked up
  6. No beer
  7. People telling me how unlucky it is to get infected but then treat me like a bio hazard
  8. No Internet
  9. No privacy (see 2)
  10. Helplessness
Here is my Top Ten (again, in no particular order):
  1. Bureaucracy
  2. Long tiring days
  3. Peer pressure & alienation
  4. Not being able to sleep next to K
  5. Hospital smells
  6. The hospital's inconvenient location
  7. Saying goodbye to K everyday
  8. Knowing that standard EU hospitalisation is only a few weeks
  9. Not knowing whether i have TB or not
  10. Helplessness
After we compared lists, K said, "Oh, guess my list is more selfish than yours".
Um, yes.