19 April, 2006


1% of monster - mogwai

am feeling very out of sorts lately.
i feel disconnected, lost & disappointed.

i feel let down by a few people i have put my faith in.
no they haven't betrayed me or lied to me, but they have truly disappointed me.

i can't really write about the ins & outs of it all, because i might get myself into trouble.
but let me explain in a kind of round about way...

a lot of crap has happened in the past year, and i have been relying on a couple of ' safe places' to get me through it all.
one of them has turned out recently to be not as safe as i thought it was.
i have committed a lot of time & energy there, but i feel very very let down.
i am trying really hard to keep my motivation and be the best i can be, but it is proving hard.
when you don't feel valued - what IS the point?
and when you want to be heard but nobody really listens - what DO you do?
and when you shout and still nobody does anything - DO you stay?

that's one of the things that's been bothering me of late. it's starting to wear me out, but i really don't know where to turn.
so here i am.

and then the other things that is dragging me down is this whole single-flirtation thing.
how do you really know if the other person is interested, or just wants to play?
is there some secret code that i am not privy to? or is everyone stumbling around as blind as i am?
and do we settle, or do we wait until we get the one we really want?
it's been too damn long and i feel like i am the deep end of the pool trying to swim.
(and anyone who knows me well, will know that i am not happy when i am out of my depth...)

anyway - i am frustrated little girl who just wants to stamp her foot and say "it's NOT fair".
but that's not the really done thing for a 32 year old, is it?!


martine said...

i can see we have a whole lot of talking to do on Saturday....

arumanda said...

stomp stomp away little girl. you'll never grow up. it's just life around you gets bigger and badder and you're forced to deal with it with the tools that you have picked up along the way.
you have them all with you. but before you start fixing the things around you, or your reactions to others, your own heart... before you do all that - stomp, stomp away. because 10, 32, 59, 84 - you're just the same person.

i know disappointment. it don't feel good. i don't know how to not be disappointed by people. if you figure it out - please tell me.

and the single thing - it's a right royal pain in the arse. there's no secret bible and noone is privvy to anything at all. i've settled myself into a life of singledom. it ain't pretty and lonliness sucks. but i gotta get on with my life and keep faith in the proverb that the grass is always greener. hm...

thinking of you.

j-ster said...

Oh, im so curious!!!!

But the thing about the flirtation is that generally, until you are actually taking the step, you really arent sure where whether you want to go there or not. I think. But im not sure....