20 October, 2006

galloping away in the land of nod

dreams - cranberries

don't know if it's all tied up with how i am feeling of late, but i have been having the most horrible nightmares lately.
i wake up physically tired, because i feel like i have been fighting all night.
let me give you a couple of examples from this week...

the first one was that someone was stalking me.
i was at home and in bed (this is in my dream) and the stalker managed to get into my bedroom.
he sat down on my bed...and this is the scary part - in my dream i could FEEL someone sit on my bed.
so, some part of my sub-conscious told me, 'wake up!! someone's in your room'.
so i dragged myself through various levels of sleep & managed to wake myself up.
i can only explain it like trying to swim to the top of the pool & get some air.
finally, i woke myself up and wow! bloody hell, my heart was beating so fast.
and i couldn't go back to sleep for hours. i'd really managed to scare myself stupid.
but the good thing was that there was no stalker....

the second one was last night & involved ex-boy.
now bear in mind that one of the reasons that we broke up was because he was unfatihful (this is the man that swore he could never cheat on anyone - yeah, no wonder i am screwed up now....but, hey, that's a whole different rambling monologue!!)
anyway, in my dream, we were broken up (as we are now), but for some dumb reason, i decided to go over to his place & ask him WHY he had chosen to be unfaithful.
and so i went over. and there he was with HER.
then for the rest of my dream, i hurled abuse at him & told him how much he had hurt me and damaged my trust in other people and so on.
ok, not so strange.
but then it got a bit weird....
because i was shouting & yelling & crying so much, i kind of lost the plot.
in fact, i would go as far to stay i lost complete control & started shouting at other people in my life. people who have been good to me, family, random strangers in my life...
it was like i had opened a flood gate & this whole stream of bitterness & anger just came flowing out.
and once i'd started, i couldn't stop.

and then i woke up.

i don't know which dream (maybe, nightmare is a better word here) scared me most.
losing control of my life, or losing control of myself? both pretty scary things...


arumanda said...

that's some scary stuff you've got going on in that brain of yours miss sin. i do hope that you can find some peace and calm and that the nightmares stop. smarkles to you.

arumanda said...

hey miss sin. i was reading this book and it mentioned sleep, dreams and nightmares; and i thought of you. what do you think?

sleep is the experience of the soul leaving the body. the soul seeks to rest, and so, causes the body to fall asleep. the soul literally drops the body when it is tired of the limits, tired of the heaviness and lack of freedom of being with the body. it will just leave the body when it seeks 'refueling'; when it becomes weary of all the nontruth and false reality and imagined dangers, and when it seeks, once again, reconnection, reassurance, restfulness, and reawakening for the mind.
during these times the soul may be free, but the mind may be confused. thus, the whole being may ask; 'where am i? what am i creating here?' these searchings may lead to fitful journeys; even frightening ones. we sometimes call these trips 'nightmares'.
sometimes just the opposite will occur. the soul will arrive at a place of great remembering. now the mind will have an awakening. this will fill it with peace and joy - which we experience in your body when you return to it...

MissSin said...

arumanda - thanks for the insights. not sure whether to me more scared or not!!

in an interesting twist on the dream thang, i got an email from ex-boy at the weekend saying he's been dreaming about ME!!
however, his dreams involved me being smiley & nice....frigging weird....

arumanda said...

ah ha. very interesting. perhaps it's all really just about perception after all...

Indigorayz said...

Miss sin............I have had reoccuring nightmare for a year now about my ex. I am always battling with some other woman he is in love with and always because of this feeling inferior and worthless...........they often also come in the form of him telling me how much he loves me and wants me back and in my dream I am delighted and go back..this is also a nightmare to me........having been having these for some time now it resonates with me that these dreams are a way of expressing feelings I feel uncomforatble expressing in wakefulness,out loud to others.Its a healing dream and although it feels terrible and leaves you feeling sick and wierd for several days after it promotes some movement forward for me emotionally.
Dont be scared just observe and try not to attatch yourself too much to the nightmares.