goodbye 2005

'wherever you are' - ulrich schnauss

only a few more hours to go, and then it's done.
goodbye to 2005.

it's been a tough year - well, probably just the last 6 months, but they have kind of blotted out the first 6 months of the year.

but it's not all been bad. there HAVE been good things this year.

and i think the word to sum up 2005 for me is 'friendship'.
i can't express how much friends have helped me through all the crap of the last few months - and in many different ways...
so thank you all - even i didn't take up your offer, i really appreciate the fact that you DID offer.

it's all meant so much & i was sometimes completely overwhelmed (in a good way) by it all.

let's hope that 2006 is a better year - for all of us.

have passport, will travel

'jet girl' - the wedding present

got my passport.
got my plane ticket.
got my visa.
got my credit card.

I AM GOING TO AUSTRALIA!!!

much needed holiday, with much missed friends.

woohoo! indigo girl, j-ster - watch out! i am coming!!!

Happy Merry Christmas!

'i wish it could be christmas everyday' - wizzard

what a fun night....music, friends, smiles & lots of alcohol.
i wasn't looking forward to christmas this year, but it turned out to be a good one.

so, thank you blue corn for making christmas one to remember.
ブルーコーンのみんなさん、本当に楽しかったよ！最高なクリスマスになった！

blue corn cafe

'sweet sue, just you' - fats waller

last friday & saturday's music and drinks at blue corn - my absolutely favourite place to relax & drink & talk crap!

lovely lovely place & even better people....

cameras old & new

'the cameraeye' - billy corgan

they say a camera (photo?) never lies...
well, my camera is a liar...unless the whole world is a pink purpley colour with smears all over it.
have no idea what happened to it - it takes photos like it's possessed or something.

so, i bought a new camera.
and this is a photo of my new camera taken with my old one.....

very odd. somehow i don't want to get rid of my old camera because i kind of like it's freaky pictures...

...electric blanket...

'take me!' - the wedding present

man - it's getting cold! had to bring out my electric blanket. not as good as having a warm man, but then again, my electric blanket doesn't have cold feet & bad breathe....

still enjoying the flirting, but still equally confused by it all. know i shouldn't think about it all too much, but part of me wonders 'what is the point?'
i mean, i enjoy it and all, but then i start getting a bit paranoid & start thinking that i may be leading men on.

and then i get even MORE paranoid, and imagine myself 20 or 30 years down the road, and there i am, the old hag at the end of the bar, trying to hopelessly flirt with boys half my age, and i really am just some old sad tart.

but then the other half of me thinks, 'you silly silly girl - stop it!!'
and so i have another drink, and keep on flirting!

but please, if i ever seem too desperate, and i'm heading down the 'old tart road', tell me stop.
i'm afraid that i might cross that invisible line - not flirting because i enjoy it, but because of desperation...

seasons come & people go

'all i want is you' - U2

ahhh...autumn.

usually i love this time of year - my favourite season.
to me autumn is a the beginning of the end of the year, and the beginning of the holiday season - christmas, new year, my birthday...

it's also the beginning of the good 'snuggle season'...lying in bed under the duvet, all toasty and warm.
and for the last few years, i've been happily snuggled up with the ex-boy.
now, i just have my bear.

so, yes, i am feeling a bit lonely (understatement)

i really don't like being single. no one to keep me warm & safe.

to flirt or not to flirt

'dare' - the wedding present

this single girl thing is not easy, you know.
after being with someone for 6 years, it's really weird being on my own again.
a lot of the pain has gone - and though i feel sad that it ended, i know it was for the right reasons. we couldn't find a way forward & agreed together that we should end our relationship.
but, we are trying to be friends - not easy to change pace, but at least we care enough about each other to try.

so, that part of my life is kind of sorted out...or maybe just boxed away for a while.

now, my new dilemma is the whole flirting thing.
i realised today what's different now.... it's not that i have recently discovered flirting - i LOVE flirting...
no, what i've discovered is that flirting is different when i'm in a relationship & when i'm not.
when i was still a girlfriend, i enjoyed flirting, but didn't really read anything into it.
it was safe - i knew nothing would come of it, and i didn't want anything to come of it.
now though, i don't have my safety net (aka boyfriend) anymore. i'm finding myself wondering more about whether it means anything more, or whether i should be doing it or not.
and you know what, while i still enjoy flirting, some of the enjoyment has gone because i worry more now.

guess i need to chill more and NOT think about things.
have to confess that i have one boy that i am greatly enjoying a flirtfest with.... very sexy young man...and lovely to be around...as 2 of my good friends say - 'don't expect too much, and you'll never be disappointed'

so i really must stop reading more into it all and just go with the flow.... maybe something will happen, maybe it won't - but in the meantime, i'm going to keep on flirting.

...smarkle...

'smile' - telepopmusik

developed (by complete spaced out chance) a new word last week...smarkle.
this word is combination of smile & sparkle....
it can be a noun or a verb, and it also has an adjective (smarkly)...

don't you love it when you make a new word? i feel all webster or oxford-like.
then i get visions of grandeur and think i can write a dictionary of misssinglish.
that's where the mental block comes in...

so, my dictionary has about 3 words:

charlotte (n.) a woman who is unintentionally being slutty

ear debunger (n.) those cotton things that you use - aka cotton buds

greeny (n.) an exclamation to be used when crossing the road when the little man changes colour

smarkle (have to admit that it's my favourite)

oh! that's 4 words - i am WAY more creative than i thought....not!
don't think they're all 100% mine, but am taking full claim for smarkle - that's mine.

But please please spread the smarkle love.....and if you have any new words that you want to donate to my 'dictionary of misssinglish' they're more than welcome....

...eighty...

'AOHARU YOUTH' - スーパーカー

my gran was 80 last week.
and what with everything that's being going on in the last month or so, i didn't send her anything.
felt bad - but then i spoke to her today.

she seemed so happy to hear me call, even though i had been crap (fair enough i did leave answer machine messages all over the place for her on her b'day - didn't know where she was though...)

anyway - we were chit-chatting about stuff & she asked me how the boy was.
man - that was hard. had a bit of a melt down & cried again.
and you know what? she was great. she never liked the boy. but she didn't say anything about it 'being for the best'.
she just said that, yes, it will be tough.
but it will get easier, and yes, there is someone better out there for me.
and she said that 31 is a good age - a fun age.

and when someone has been around for 80 years can say that, i know it must be good.

ah - family is good. they love me, even if i do miss their birthdays...

so, molly, i know you won't be reading this, but happy birthday!

lessons in my life

'a place called home' - pj harvey

so here i am.
life is not great, but it's not terrible either.

i'm learning how to be comfortable with me again.
i'm learning how to get through a day on my own with no phone calls & no plans.
i'm learning that it's really ok to rely on friends.
i'm learning that it's also ok to tell people, that 'no, i am not happy today'
i'm learning to be me again.

'me' had become part of an entity - 'the boy & me', but now half has gone.
somedays, it actually feels ok, but there are still dark days, where i feel like i have joined the dark side.

i've also had some mini-epiphanies...
i don't like being single.
i want to be loved & love someone.
i want to be cared for & care for someone.
and yes i do want kids someday .

it all seems a bit impossible right now, but i cannot let hope get away.

i refuse to be beaten. i refuse to sacrifice who i am.
i will survive.

i know i am going to have more 'darth days', but as long as i have 2 hands, i will reach out.

disclaimer

'staralfur' - sigur ros

was just having a look back at what i've been writing lately.

my god - what a depressing blog to read.
i seem to have got myself into a bad habit of writing only when i am in the depths of despair/loneliness/panic.

so, tonight, i want to tell you that it's not all bad.
there are a lot of very very wonderful things that have been happening lately.
sometimes they're hard to see, but they ARE there.

and i would like to list some of the wonderful things i am finding:

1) friends & kindness.
by far and away, the best thing i am finding is friendship.
people are being wonderful to me. from close friends, to people who don't even know me that well & have no need to be kind - it really has been an eye-opener.
of course i knew people were out there, i just didn't expect them to be so 'there' (or 'here')
so, to all of you - even if you've just invited me out to do things (and i've said no) - thank you.
and all the further away friends who have just sent e-mail hugs, thank you. i can feel them.
i really appreciate it.

2) the sky.
i've always liked the sky. i like how it changes & looks different everyday.
but recently i have been looking up more (avoiding looking at people, perhaps?)
tonight's picture is from by the tama river yesterday - sun beginning it's daily descent.
i can look at the sky and somehow feel more connected. connected to what - i don't know.
but i just don't feel as lost.

3) time.
sometimes this is a good thing - i have ALL my time to myself.
i can see who i like, when i like & not have to factor in 'boy time'.
on the other hand, there are downtimes, when i am kind of lost & alone here - BUT i can always pick up the phone (see number 1)

4) blue corn.
this is my regular bar in tsunashima. the regulars there are great, the staff are just the best & they have live music every week (mainly blues, with some folk)
it's proved to be a safe haven for me during the last few stormy weeks.

5) here.
in some bizarre way writing here has been therapeutic for me.
i hate to bother people with my troubles too much, so i mostly when i am feeling completely shitty i write here.
and i feel better for getting out. not cured, but better for the moment.

so thank you for reading. and listening & being here, there or wherever.

and finally, before i forget, some of you have been telling me how you can't put comments on here.
how i used to do it (before i got this blog) was to click the 'anonymous' button.
then you can skip the whole registration process.
just put your name inside the comment (so i know who you are - but if you prefer being anon, that's cool too!!)

tough times

'raindrops' - tindersticks

so, here i am.

2 weeks and counting.
know i shouldn't be counting and i should be getting on with life & stuff, but i can't.

i really feel stuck & i don't want to bore people with everything, so i am writing here.
the logical part of me knows that all this happened for a reason & i wasn't 100% happy before.
but the rest of me feels like i made a mistake.

the thought of not having him in my life makes me feel physically sick.
and i can't imagine myself with anyone else. i can't imagine myself with anybody. full stop.

never had a very good self-image to start off with, but now?
i am having a hard time seeing anything positive about myself.
have wonderful people around me telling me how great i am, but you know what?
as much as i want to believe them, i don't.
i don't feel pretty. i don't feel lovable. i don't feel like a good person.

i really cannot see anything good about me.
and whatever my wonderful friends say, i still don't believe them & that makes me feel worse.
i can't even trust/believe the people who care...what the hell is wrong with me?

i am really beginning to feel like there's no way through this.

i get through my days, then come home. and then i cry.
i can't bear to be alone. i can't stand the thought of long hours of nothingness.
and that what my life looks like right now. a big bleak nothingness.

so, i may look like i am ok. but i don't think i am.
i just don't want to spread my negativity around. it's bad & it's dark in my world right now.

how are you?

'sideways down' - the frames

this is the hardest question for me to answer right now.
do i give the feel good answer, or do i say the truth?

the truth, i am NOT ok. i feel horrible.
i feel like there's nothing to look forward to & nothing has any meaning anymore.
it's like i am going through the motions of an empty life & i can't tell people that.

i honestly feel completely hopeless.

but when someone asks me, 'how are you?', i can't tell them that.

so i am telling you now. i am not ok.
i am a lost girl in a big scary world & i really don't know what to do.

i have lost my anchor.

...smiles...

well, as you may have guessed, it's been a tough week.

not made easier by the fact that i haven't had any contact with friends - except texting.

no - i am not in self-imposed exile, it's just because of work.
i'm teaching WAY out in kanagawa, so don't have time (energy?) to see people.
But tomorrow will come soon...and then the weekend.

one thing i have found in the last week is smiles & friendship.

and sometimes from very unexpected places...

last saturday night, my friend & me decided to go out to our regular bar.
he also said that we should do fireworks by the river as a kind of closing to one period & opening to the this new chapter.
anyway, we went to the convenience store & nothing....argghhh.
this is japan - it's now september and firework season has finished.
therefore, no fireworks.
nothing.

not to be deterred, my friend & i decided that we would enjoy ourselves despite this hiccup.
so, had dinner, then went along to our bar.

at some obscene hour in the morning, the bar master comes along and says 'look!'
there outside in the street - FIREWORKS!!!
the bar staff had heard that we couldn't find any, so they went out on a trek for fireworks & found some! amazing!
so off we all went to the river and spent an amazing hour doing sparklers & senko hanabi.
wonderful wonderful evening.
not at all expected & even more lovely because of that.

yeah - life isn't wonderful, but it's not shite either.

this is the end

cure - 'homesick'

well, it's done and it's over.

the boy & me have broken up. and it's fucking painful.
six years is a long time, and i feel shipwrecked right now.

i don't feel alone, because i wonderful supportive friends around me, but i feel horribly lonely.
and very very lost. i feel like part of my identity has been torn away.
the rock which i have relied on and leant on is gone.
on a logical, mental level, i know this is the right thing.
but my heart & soul don't agree.

on that logical level, i know i will be ok, and life will go on.
but even though i know it & believe it, it's so damn hard.


I WILL BE OK.
that's my new mantra.

so, if you see me around, give me a hug & tell me i'm doing ok.

love isn't enough

'suck' - wedding present

i always thought that if you love someone enough, everything else will work out - or fall into place.
but, i am finding out that the reality of life is nothing like that.
love really isn't enough - you cannot survive on or with love alone.
there is so much more you need to sustain a relationship - but what those things are, i don't know.

or maybe i fell in love with the wrong person?
who knows...because i sure don't.

i'm just so tired of everything right now, and wish i had a big fat brush & a giant rug, so i could sweep everything under it and pretend it wasn't there.

not a good thing to do, but i am so tired of thinking & trying to decided what to do.
i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to deal with things anymore.
i just want him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me everything will be ok.

but that really won't help things.

so i try & remember that tomorrow IS another day - and hopefully when i wake up, there'll be a big shiny blue sky.

..and she dances on the sand..

'rio' - duran duran

went to summer sonic on saturday. had a bit of a disasterous start to the day - and ended up missing most of everything ... particularly angry at missing interpol. really wanted to see them...

still, managed to catch 2 acts there...
first saw ian brown. what a load of pants.
the musicians were great - but him?
out of tune & dancing like liam gallagher on one of his bad days...
it was quite sad to see, especially as i was a big stone roses fan back in the day.

sad how some people can crash down from the heights...

so ended up walking out on him and stumbling along to duran duran.
wow!
never was a huge duran-y, but wow! (did i already say that?!)
man - simon le bon is a bit of an over-performer, but very fun & (dare i say it?) sexy to watch.
have to admit that some of the new stuff was a bit beyond me, but the old classics made up for the rest.
to be honest, i did get a little excited when i heard the camera shutter clicking during the intro of 'girls on film'...


is that just a tad too sad or what?

looking backwards & forwards

disintegration' - the cure

decided something i can do for my blog, to make it a tad more interesting...
everyday a new picture & a new song....with the song showing where i am today.
yeah - today's not a good day...hence the cure.

was riding back home on the train today & was having huge retrospectives on my life here.
passed the station i first lived at - way back in high school.
lots of memories there. that got me thinking about all the people i have known here. then i started thinking about the people i know now.

some are going to leave soon, and that's sad.
but i know we will keep in touch - even if it is sporadically. and then there's the people who are still here, and will be for long time - like me, i think (can't see myself leaving for some reason - why? but that's a whole other bowl of worms for some other day)

and then i started taking a closer look at my life.
not a good thing to do on a monday, but it's something that i have been doing a lot of in the last few weeks.
some big changes need to be made in my world, and i am not sure whether i am strong enough to make them - or if i even want to make them. but the one thing i know is that things can't remain as they have been....and that's scary thing.

i guess i am kind of lazy with life - i kind of let things happen, instead of make them happen. don't know whether that's a bad thing or not - but that's how i have got to where i am now.
but right now, i can't. i need to make that move.

i know i am being really vague about things, but it's really hard to vocalise everything. can't seem to find the words to explain things to myself let alone anyone else.

fiveteen

went down to shizuoka to visit my friends, the smiths. had a wonderful WONDERFUL time (thank you very muchly, mr & mrs s.)
hadn't seen them for a long time & i was in dire need of an escape from here.
and timing (for once) actually worked out, got myself organised and off i went.

didn't do a lot of exciting activities, mainly hanging out & reconnecting (very worthwhile activities though)
did go to the shizuoka prefectural art museum which has a large rodin exhibit.
the gates of hell were a pretty scary thing to look at - all these screaming faces (including babies) crying to be let out. and then at the top of the gate, the thinker is looking down on them & contemplating it all. didn't know that the thinker was part of a larger piece....but i know now!

most of the time was spent in the company of smith jr. lovely, funny & interesting boy....
i am not used to hanging around little ones, but i had so much fun watching junior run around & do things that made total sense to him, but to no one else.
there truly is a whole different world going on in the mind of a 2 year old.
but it was so interesting to see - and if i am to be totally honest, it made me think 'oh - wouldn't mind one of my own'... which made me kind of panic and push that thought away to back of my head.

really need to get my life sorted out before i embark on thinking about kids.

yeah - things in my world are a little bit topsy-turvy & confused right now.
can't really explain it, because i don't really know myself and that's difficult.

i will muddle through - don't know where things are going but i am going to find a way.

Bloglife

still not sure about this whole blog thing. what is ok to write?
there's a lot of stuff going on my life, but i don't think i want to shout it all out into this gaping hole of a blog.
so, do i just write about the good stuff?
but then it wouldn't be a true representation of my life
(hey - would love everyone to believe that my life is a constant stream of joy & happiness, but things don't work out that way)

ah...such a dilemma.
guess i should just be me - i'll muddle my way through.

also trying out all the weird & wonderful things i can do with my blog...
hence the colour & photo.

FINALLY!!!!!

man - this blogging lark isn't as easy as i thought.
finally get myself sorted out and set up - and then i couldn't post anything from home.
cursed & cursed & cursed then realised it wasn't helping and went on a problem solving mission.

found out that both browsers i have (ie5 & safari) aren't supported yet.
SO i go and get myself mozilla-ed & here we are.

but i have to say that i am a little bit proud of myself...i actually solved it all by myself.
hurrah! maybe i am not such a space cadet after all.

still haven't decided what i am going to write about.
think the way it's going is just going to be a series of randomness which is the out pouring of a my frazzled little head.
(wow - that was a long sentence - don't even know what i meant, but it was kind of stream of consciousness - think virginia woolf in the 21st century, with a mac and completely unliterary - that's me)
hah - maybe that could be my profile: an unliterary virginia woolf of the 21st century.

think i am having a bit of a mental meltdown today...tired & hot & a tyhpoon's coming.
should go to bed - but i think i will watch trashy tv instead....

what a productive life i lead.

could kind of get used to this shouting into a blank space.
maybe i shall keep my blog a secret & not tell anyone, but just spend my time shouting into cyberspace.

the other dilemma is what is my blog going to be about.
i mean, here i am - i have finally committed myself to this thing, but what am i going to write about?
is it just going to rants about life? (potentially interesting, but probably not)
am going to blog only about a certain topic? (very very boring....)
or am i going to keep it limitless and just write what comes out? (nice, but not very original)

maybe i will have to go out and 'do' things so i can write about them.
if my life continues as is, i'll be writing about boy trouble, work stress & hangovers.
not the most awe inspiring reading....

well, maybe i should tell some people about this space & then i can get some ideas.
but then again, if i do that, what will happen to my empty screaming space?

Oh my god...
i have actually managed to set up a blog....
it feels really weird right now...like shouting into an empty canyon with noone to listen.
guess i should tell my friends about this space.
then again, i kind of like shouting into my canyon...

well, anyway, welcome to my world.