20 September, 2005


'staralfur' - sigur ros

was just having a look back at what i've been writing lately.

my god - what a depressing blog to read.
i seem to have got myself into a bad habit of writing only when i am in the depths of despair/loneliness/panic.

so, tonight, i want to tell you that it's not all bad.
there are a lot of very very wonderful things that have been happening lately.
sometimes they're hard to see, but they ARE there.

and i would like to list some of the wonderful things i am finding:

1) friends & kindness.
by far and away, the best thing i am finding is friendship.
people are being wonderful to me. from close friends, to people who don't even know me that well & have no need to be kind - it really has been an eye-opener.
of course i knew people were out there, i just didn't expect them to be so 'there' (or 'here')
so, to all of you - even if you've just invited me out to do things (and i've said no) - thank you.
and all the further away friends who have just sent e-mail hugs, thank you. i can feel them.
i really appreciate it.

2) the sky.
i've always liked the sky. i like how it changes & looks different everyday.
but recently i have been looking up more (avoiding looking at people, perhaps?)
tonight's picture is from by the tama river yesterday - sun beginning it's daily descent.
i can look at the sky and somehow feel more connected. connected to what - i don't know.
but i just don't feel as lost.

3) time.
sometimes this is a good thing - i have ALL my time to myself.
i can see who i like, when i like & not have to factor in 'boy time'.
on the other hand, there are downtimes, when i am kind of lost & alone here - BUT i can always pick up the phone (see number 1)

4) blue corn.
this is my regular bar in tsunashima. the regulars there are great, the staff are just the best & they have live music every week (mainly blues, with some folk)
it's proved to be a safe haven for me during the last few stormy weeks.

5) here.
in some bizarre way writing here has been therapeutic for me.
i hate to bother people with my troubles too much, so i mostly when i am feeling completely shitty i write here.
and i feel better for getting out. not cured, but better for the moment.

so thank you for reading. and listening & being here, there or wherever.

and finally, before i forget, some of you have been telling me how you can't put comments on here.
how i used to do it (before i got this blog) was to click the 'anonymous' button.
then you can skip the whole registration process.
just put your name inside the comment (so i know who you are - but if you prefer being anon, that's cool too!!)


j-ster said...

I used to have a diary, and after a while i noticed that it was only in the depths of despair, or times when i was unhappy and needed to process stuff, or had interesting dreams, that i even wrote in it. I used to re-read it at different times and was amazed by how far from the truth i had been at the time, or how insightful i had been at the time, or else i realised that i had learned stuff since then that put my confusion into perspective... but generally it was all pretty miserable stuff. I never needed to write when I was happy, i was too busy out there living it.

So my diary was my catalogue of my unhappinesses and my growth and my processing, and as painful as it is/was to re-read, it served its purpose at the time. Now my blog is my outlet for many things, not only my unhappinesses, and my diary lies there neglected. I think its better that way. I wish you many blue skies!

P.C. said...

it's been a tough time for "Miss Sin" recently. i've hated to hear of the pain she's been feeling, it seems to be a long time since the girl was smiley. i know things will get better for you girl, you're a wonderful person that has plenty to be positive about. i know what you're going through, and i know that when you finally find yourself again in the coming weeks, i know you'll have some great times ahead - that so many of us all want for you. (piss-poor grammar, but hey, it's not like that should bother you!) and if you need twiglets, just let me know!