04 October, 2005

lessons in my life

'a place called home' - pj harvey

so here i am.
life is not great, but it's not terrible either.

i'm learning how to be comfortable with me again.
i'm learning how to get through a day on my own with no phone calls & no plans.
i'm learning that it's really ok to rely on friends.
i'm learning that it's also ok to tell people, that 'no, i am not happy today'
i'm learning to be me again.

'me' had become part of an entity - 'the boy & me', but now half has gone.
somedays, it actually feels ok, but there are still dark days, where i feel like i have joined the dark side.

i've also had some mini-epiphanies...
i don't like being single.
i want to be loved & love someone.
i want to be cared for & care for someone.
and yes i do want kids someday .

it all seems a bit impossible right now, but i cannot let hope get away.

i refuse to be beaten. i refuse to sacrifice who i am.
will survive.

i know i am going to have more 'darth days', but as long as i have 2 hands, i will reach out.


arumanda said...

uplifting to hear a little hope in your voice.

reach to the skies. you already love and are loved my dear
by many afar and wide

j-ster said...

(Can I be obnoxious for a moment? Yeah? thanks!)

Beware of the Darth Days! Dont go to the Dark Side Helen!

(And now back to being reasonable...)

There are some surprising gifts in being single. I have learned that the loneliness inside doesnt go away even if you are with someone, and after this long alone, i am no longer afraid of it. I can feel loneliness without pain. I wasnt expecting that!