17 September, 2005

tough times

'raindrops' - tindersticks

so, here i am.

2 weeks and counting.
know i shouldn't be counting and i should be getting on with life & stuff, but i can't.

i really feel stuck & i don't want to bore people with everything, so i am writing here.

the logical part of me knows that all this happened for a reason & i wasn't 100% happy before.
but the rest of me feels like i made a mistake.

the thought of not having him in my life makes me feel physically sick.
and i can't imagine myself with anyone else. i can't imagine myself with anybody. full stop.

never had a very good self-image to start off with, but now?

i am having a hard time seeing anything positive about myself.
have wonderful people around me telling me how great i am, but you know what?
as much as i want to believe them, i don't.
i don't feel pretty. i don't feel lovable. i don't feel like a good person.

i really cannot see anything good about me.
and whatever my wonderful friends say, i still don't believe them & that makes me feel worse.
i can't even trust/believe the people who care...what the hell is wrong with me?

i am really beginning to feel like there's no way through this.

i get through my days, then come home. and then i cry.
i can't bear to be alone. i can't stand the thought of long hours of nothingness.
and that what my life looks like right now. a big bleak nothingness.

so, i may look like i am ok. but i don't think i am.

i just don't want to spread my negativity around. it's bad & it's dark in my world right now.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are grieving and everything you feel right now is tainted by that,Its also a big life change and that brings up alot of other big life questions for you too not just about the relationship but about you as an individual and where you go with yourself now.
Be strong Miss Sin and have courage.I believe that you are doing the very best with the resources you have available to you and within you right now.Work with those today and maybe tommorow you will have some more ...........maybe not but ust do it one day at a time and dont overwhelm yourself by thinking about the future.It will come ..
Love and heartfelt warmth