23 June, 2008

Consumptive Diaries Part 9: Studies in Stress

Know i've written about this before, but i am stressed.
Actually, i think it should be written in capitals: STRESSED.
And in bold: STRESSED.
And maybe even italics: STRESSED

No, think the italics diminish the severity of it all.
I'm just STRESSED.

K has his third set of sputum tests last week, and the results came back as a 6 and a 9. His first ones were 10 & 10. He needs a 3 to get out. It's taken 5 weeks to get to 6 & 9.
FUCK - this will never end!!
On the positive side though, the doctors said they may, possibly, perhaps let him out in 4 weeks.
Nothing definite though.

Meanwhile, i am completely losing the plot.
I've casually been observing my varying states of stress and what's been happening to me (as you do)
My stress journey has gone through various stages; first was short term memory loss & extreme tiredness.
This morphed into anger & irritation.
Then i graduated onto an upset stomach.
Which then turned into extreme nightmares & physical aches.
And now, to top off the stress cake, i have myself having (ir)rational bursts of rage which subside into uncontrollable tears.

I think i hit a stress wall yesterday at full speed. Feel bruised & broken & scared.

I want The German to come home, but when he gets home we've got to start thinking about what happens next: move to Germany or stay here. And that whole discussion scares the crap out of me.
I'm still trying to fulfill all my work commitments satisfactorily.
My parents are here & i want to try & make time to see them, but also want to be with K.
K's mum is arriving next week, so feel i should make sure she gets oriented to Tokyo OK.
And i'm not even starting to think about Sandi leaving. Can't manage that right now.

I want to take some time out for me, but i just can't seem to fit it in anywhere.

But, next, the Parental Sins are taking me away to Okinawa. I get to stay in a really nice hotel, see beautiful beaches & ocean and escape everything here. Don't think i've ever needed it more.

And i know some of you may wonder, but K does know how i feel. That's one of the good things about us, the doors of communication have remained open. And i know when i get to the hospital tonight, he's going to welcome me, hold me & let me cry.

1 comment:

Sandi said...

Oh, sweetheart. Big hugs for you. "This, too, shall pass." It's all going to be OK sometime soon. I promise. Please relax in Okinawa, that's an order.