24 June, 2008

Consumptive Diaries - Part 10: Just When You Think Things Can't Get Any Worse

As you know, things in Sinland have been on the edge this week.

I've manage to control my uncontrollable tears, but am still having outbursts of (ir)rational rage. Severely had to rein myself in on the train this morning - wanted to start screaming at people to get their stinky sticky sweaty bodies away from mine. And if one more person elbows me in the back on the train, be warned...

But yeah, i thought things couldn't get any worse this week.

Well, never EVER think that. EVER!
The German talked to his boss about the time frame of moving back to Germany.
And the boss told K that he has to be back by the beginning of September.


That's only 2 months away. and with the whole TB thing, means that there's not much time for The German & i to spend together before he leaves.
And not only that, what are we going to do? What am I going to do?
So, we have to make all these life changing decisions in the f-ing hospital.
And it is definitely not conducive to deep discussions about our future.

And today, The German's mum arrives, or as my mum calls her, the mother-in-law. Planning to go out for dinner with her this evening. Am nervous.
But if she's anything like K or his lovely sister, then we'll be OK.

But to be honest, i really just want to run away from it all. I don't want to make any decisions. I don't want to have to decide anything. I want someone else to do it for me.
But i am not 12 anymore. I have to make my own choices. And what will they be? I have no fucking idea.


Sandi said...

DON'T PANIC. Listen to your heart, and your gut, and the decisions will make themselves.

And don't leave me comments like that; you're gonna make me cry.

What're you doing Saturday night? Need a Shibuya blow-out to get your mind off things?

arumanda said...

sounds all trippy and new agey, but its true - the decision gets made when youre ready to make it. you cant force life changing events.

and there is one factor to keep in mind which is eternally comforting - there is no wrong answer. there is no wrong decision. every choice you make for yourself at every single point in time is absolutely the right one. just trust yourself a little, and if you feel you have to scream at the elbowers on the trains - then do so. might help release some of that tension hey! i hope things start looking up for you soon.

Sigsy said...

Go to Germany.
There - I was very helpful.
Decision made.
Now practice "Ich bin Fraulein Missin."
Although Sandi and Aramunda's answers were excellent, well thought out and logical, I think mine fulfills the brief.

PS - good luck...

Indigorayz said...

I am in agreement with sigsy......go where your heart leads you.......and as my very wise father used to say "Make a choice,stick with it and if its the wrong one then make another"
Simple! Its easy to get caught up in the whys and wherefores but once the choice is made its easy and all else flows. I think you already know the answer anyway honey pie.......
I hope you are well and keeping stong! Youre good at strong!