Has it been a month already? Guess so.
And why haven’t I written? A combination of nothing & everything happening simultaneously. Know that doesn’t make much sense, but let me explain.
The nothingness is the regularity of working life; not necessarily a bad thing because it means stability & peace. And on that side of things, life has been pretty calm. Been working, living, seeing friends – the regular.
The everythingness has been on the relationship side of things. Long distance relationships are the creation of the devil. I can full on say that I HATE them and I hate being in one. I hate time differences; I hate the distance; I hate being able to only use words. ‘Hate’ seems such an inadequate word; detest, loathe or abhor might better express how I feel about long distance relationships.
In the last month or more, things haven’t been going well. The only problem was that neither of us knew what was wrong, or what was happening or why things weren’t working. It was like the distance of time & space had made a huge wall between us & I couldn’t penetrate it. The more distance I felt, the needier & more emotional I got. The needier & more emotional I got, the larger the distance.
In mid-March, I was beginning to feel like my world was collapsing around me. I know that sounds dramatic (bear in mind I was a bit of an emotional wreck at the time), but if K & me couldn’t make it, then I wouldn’t be moving to
We tried talking, but nothing seemed to work. We couldn’t gulf the distance.
I didn’t make things any easier on myself by not talking to anyone about things. But who would I talk to? I didn’t want to inflict this on other people. Looking back, I should have reached out, because I really was starting to lose the plot. I wasn’t sleeping properly, I cried a lot, I lost confidence & I was starting to turn into a basket case. Complete over-reaction, and even while I was in that state, I was ashamed of myself.
So, I kept things to myself & tried to envelope myself in the nothingness.
Anyway, we decided that the only way to bridge this was to see each other.
So I went to Germany. I am so happy I did. K & I found each other again.
Also, I, bizarrely, found Germany. I mentioned a while back that I wasn’t particularly excited about Germany. But on this trip I got excited about Germany. I have no concrete reason why – maybe it was because spring had sprung & I have forgotten how joyful that it in Europe. Maybe it was just spending more time in Stuttgart with K. Have no idea, but I have come back to Japan feeling WAY more optimistic about the future.
Even more strangely, coming back to Japan this time, I wasn’t excited about being here. In fact I didn’t want to be here. And now too. I want to be in Germany. I am ready to move on.
OK – now must find myself a job…