01 August, 2007

oo round in rambling circles oo

‘natural blues’ - moby

Been a busy girl these last few weeks & am so tired.

Yup – still the burn out thing. Some of it is to do with work – have been having a bit of a stressful time. But I won’t bore you with the details there.

Mainly, I am just too busy. There’s a lot going on at the weekends – and don’t seem to have time to rest. Then I spend the week tired – and then get to another busy weekend again. I can’t seem to find time to recharge.

But it’s a whole catch 22 thing…

And why? Well, I spend my weekday evenings here home alone. I don’t talk to anyone. And I can’t face a whole weekend of doing the same. I don’t want to slip down the deep dark abyss again. I know I need people. And if I stay home and rest, I don’t see anyone. Then I start getting into the terrible introspective cycle.

But if I go out, and avoid the loneliness, I don’t get the time to rest.

So what to do? It’s all so fucked up. And I know I don’t want to roomshare – despite the alone-ness, I need my space.

Guess I am my own worst enemy.

But what can I do to regain some balance in my life? Maybe it’s just that these few weeks have been over-packed. Hopefully things will settle down in the next few weeks.

I know this is going to sound so damn wrong, but I wish there was someone who would be mine. I wish there was someone that I could belong to. Even if we weren’t together, I wouldn’t feel alone. That’s the main thing I miss about being in a relationship – just knowing he was there, and I could call him anytime. And most of the time I didn’t call him, because the knowing was enough.

Ah…this post is turning way more melancholy than I intended, but I guess it’s just a reflection of my tiredness.

I’m tired of disastrous encounters with boys. I am tired of getting my hopes up & having them crushed. I am tired of trying to make sense of this messy dating thing. I wish the whole thing was way more open and honest – “hey, I like you. If you like me, let’s try & make this thing work” but no, that doesn’t happen. We just collide into each other, in a fog of lust, like & want. Then we stagger back, realize what we’ve done and run away. Then lick our wounds and go onto the next collision.

I’m tired of it. I don’t want any more collision.

Jeez – this post went in a whole different direction than I thought it would. Was originally going to write about being busy & tired. Look where I ended up!!


j-ster said...

Its true that just knowing someone is there for you makes a difference, even in my case. Im still a bit surprised by that... Its been such a long time since i had it!

arumanda said...

you're not alone in your lonliness. i've been feeling it a little lately too - quite rare for me. i ignore it mostly because i know i'm a 'grass is greener' kind of girl. and i really am funny with my boundaries of mental and physical space, so i also am my own worst enemy.
i wonder if summer has something to do with the timing of these feelings? everyone's out and about on holidays, holding hands, having fun, in love. it's all around and one tends to notice things on their mind.

MissSin said...

thank you, ladies.
so nice to be heard - sometimes i feel like i am shouting out into a big black void here.

not really sure what is triggering eveyrhting at the moment. all i know right now is that drinking large amounts of tequila is definitely NOT helping the situation...