04 January, 2007


'jams run free' - sonic youth

welcome to 2007 - the year of the boar. i hope it's a good year for you all!

well, i've got the greetings out of the way.
i've also managed to survive xmas & the new year. just have to get through to my birthday then i'm done for another year.

i was hoping to start the year off feeling positive & full of hope.
and yeah, i did. and it lasted all of about 24 hours, then i crashed & burned in a great big ball of crushed fire & dreams.

actually, before i write anymore, i should tell you that this is NOT going to be a positive post.
so, if you don't want to read anymore, please stop now.
if you do read all the way through, please leave a comment. this space is my way of reaching out, and lately it feels like i shouting into some empty abyss with no one hearing my screams.

fuck - am sounding v. melodramtic here. ah, well, it's MY blog, and i can do whatever the hell i like here. and if i do want to be little miss pathetic, then i will.

so, yeah...my holiday season.
xmas day didn't start well. i woke up on the day with no xmas presents, feeling very sorry for myself, then proceeded to sit & cry for an hour. (martine - thank you for being there, you helped ground me that day)
did manage to get out and about, and the day ended WAY better than it began, by watching mooney, sachiko & katz in jiyugaoka. they did some lovely xmas numbers, and i felt a lot better once i got home.

between xmas and new years', i went to watch the new 007. man, was THAT good!
also went to blue corn for the Buzz Buzz Year End Party - which was lots of fun.
and went to bc again for their last night of the year (30th)

then came new year's eve. started off well....spent a lovely evening & day with a lovely boy. spent the whole time smiling.
should have known it was too good to be true. seems that all men-boys want to be my 'friend'.
what the fuck?!
what is so flawed with me that they don't want me as a partner/date/GF/whatever?
AND why so they tell me AFTER the fact? why do i get all my hopes up only to have them crushed?

it's all just served to really sabotage my self-confidence & hope.

and with the events of xmas day & new years' day behind me, i am beginning to dread my birthday. to be honest, i am thinking of cancelling it this year. i really can't face any more disappointment of hurt.

there's only so much one girl can take.


tanabata said...

You're not flawed- but rather all men-boys are simply clueless!! Hang in there!

Sandi said...

Cancel your birthday??? Can't, it's my party, too, and it would be NO FUN without you. And Mooney is playing.

Boys are stupid. Wishy-washy boys are the worst. They don't deserve you, so stop looking to them for your self-esteem. Especially since there are many people who think you are lovely. And think of the people, non-idiots, who thank you for saving their sanity. Like, uh, me, for instance.

BUT if you want to find a new hangout for awhile, just tell me where, and I'm there.

And you have an open invitation to holidays at our house. Always.

martine said...

come and play with the good people of Kichijoji honey.

no cancelling of bday's - that's just boring, that is!

love your bootylicious booty baby xoxo

JKM said...

You can't cancel your birthday -what would I do????

You can have an incredible birthday without the need for hanging onto poncy toy-boys. Nothing beats a BC party especially when birthdays are involved!

There are some real men out there who love you -and are honest about it!! Even though you do see us as father figures rather than prospective mates!!

Lean on us until the real thing comes along -we can take it.

dipchick said...

aw, wish you were here - it is so much harder to feel crappy in the sun (although I still manage to pull it off from time to time). Look on the bright side - you have good food, good service, entertainment options - and I bet you even have HOT water!

missing you - af

PEC said...

i find it so crazy that so many of your posts in 2006 were so negative, you're such an amazing person, the coolest and most wonderful girl i've ever met. you've got everything going for you, starting with the BEST taste in music any girl has ever surely had. Wedding Present, Cure, Radiohead, Cocteaus, Sonic Youth - you love them all. I so respect your taste in music. You're a very intelligent person obviously. Sometimes I think you forget how impressive it is that you live in Tokyo, it's SO cool! You're just so cool Helen. Stop being sad, it's getting on my nerves!! You're lovely! Anyone that doesn't think so isn't worth knowing! Life is too short girl, come on!!

MissSin said...

Thank you all for your kind words.
Really mean a lot & am so happy to call you all friends.

Sandi, Martine & J - you've convinced me...the birthday WILL be celebrated...numerous times! Us January kids have to celelbrate lots!

J - yeah, think i will do some leaning.

P - do you really it'll be 10 years on my birthday? where did all that time go? still remember going to narita airport that day...that was a good birthday ;)

j-ster said...

big cyber-hugs from this hot loungeroom in Oz, I miss you babe! Im glad to hear your birthday is on, i wish i could go too...

arumanda said...

you're a wonderful person with a very big heart and perhaps one day another might be worthy of that.
take care miss sin.

Indigorayz said...

Darling girl!!!! You are more beautiful than you realise! Rather than a disappointment, see it as some interesting experiences that are preparing you for that bloke who will look at you and say.....fark.........I just dont wanna let you go! It will happen baby girl! You will not end up a spinster or a sad fuck! No way! Hey and even if you do cancel your birthday I am still gonna celebrate! so there!