Consumptive Diaries Part 30 - Nearly there...

Had my final check at the hospital yesterday.

My LAST check.

EVER!

Have to be honest though, it was all a bit of an anti-climax. You'd think after over 6 months worth of visits, and officially completing the necessary course of medication, that I would get a certificate or something.

Just a little piece of paper to acknowledge that I actually managed to remember to take my medicine every day for four months. (And that’s not counting the 2 months before that when I was on the nasty antibiotic that didn’t work)

No. Nothing.

And the really weird thing is that I didn’t get tested to make sure I am actually clear of TB. I don’t really know why, but although people can get tested for TB, they can’t get tested to check that they successfully got rid of it. I did have an x-ray to check that there wasn’t anything in my lungs. There wasn’t – apparently my lungs are きれい

The doctor did, however, recommend I get a chest x-ray yearly for the next couple of years, just to make sure.

Not the most reassuring of endings.

But I am done with the hospital. No more watching weird people shuffling round the corridors. No more listening to people coughing up vast quantities of crap, while I am wondering what nasty disease they have. No more ‘ganbatte kudasai’. No more stressing out & wondering whether my liver has given up (on the topic of liver, it’s nearly back to normal – 30 today. The Doc assures me that it will go back to normal once I finish my meds). No more 70-minute treks to that nasty nasty prison. I am officially DONE!!!

Can’t believe that I have been visiting that medical dungeon for 10 months. And I’m done.

Hmmm…think I mentioned that.

Also asked the doctor about my skin; he said just hold out till the end of my meds. Suppose that means this hormonal cloud i'm under will also be a 'wait & see' thing; am still trying to remain positive & fight this damn thing.

And that’s the next door to close: medication. I officially finish my antibiotics next Tuesday. 24th February. Mark it in your diaries boys and girls. Well, maybe not, but be sure it’s marked in mine. And be sure that I am going to go out for a celebratory drink to christen my newly freed liver. Well, not ‘freed’, but perhaps a little more relaxed…

Dis...

...connected
...figured
...enchanted
...oriented
...equilibrium
...couraged

Am going to have a little whinge today, so please bear with me...

A while ago, i wrote about my upset hormones/periods.
Would like to say that things have got better, and in some ways they have.
My body seems to have got more regular & the cramps aren't so bad.
I have been taking a well-woman supplement for the last two months, so maybe that's helping.

Am still have some horrible-ness though. My mood swings are really really terrible.
Right now, i'm in a really awful down-cycle. I keep tearing up at the tiniest thing & can't really handle talking to people without wanting to either a) kill them, b) hug them or c) cry on them. As a result, i am pulling back into my shell & avoiding people.
I'm also feeling really lonely, and don't know who/where to turn to.

Added to this, my skin is really screwed up. I have acne all over my forehead & it's spreading down my face. Not only that, it's itchy (yet another drug side-effect). As you may imagine, my already weakened self-esteem is not handling this very well. I am avoiding mirrors, feel ugly & don't really want to go out.

Add into all this a far-away boyfriend, an absence of close friends nearby, an empty valentine's weekend and you get a bit of a wreck.

The logical part of me is trying REALLY hard to rationalise everything; "It's just hormones, it's not real". But i really feel like i am 15 again. Know i'm being stupidly paranoid, but i have no frigging idea of how to get out of this.
Even as i am writing this now, i have tears in my eyes. How bloody pathetic is that?!

But, i need to stay positive. I have one more week of meds. I have my last hospital visit tomorrow. Hopefully my life (and hormones) will get back to normal.

The Long Goodbye begins...

I know i have mentioned this before, but I am planning to leave Japan in May.
I'm going to follow The German round the world - kind of like an international stalker, except that he does actually want me there with him.

The exact date is not fixed, but i (we) needed to fix a general date/time so we/i can start planning the move. May seemed like a good choice; April is usually busy work-wise here (well, until the economy crashed....) and the weather's better in Germany. Nothing like moving to a new country to be greeted by rain & grey skies...

So, May it is.

Am not exactly sure how i feel about everything at the moment.
I feel WAY more optimistic about moving to Germany after spending time with K over the holidays. And i can honestly say that i am excited about moving & i am really looking forward to the next stage of my life. To put it very very simply, I want to be with the German.

However, the thought of saying goodbye to the people i care about here makes me very sad.
Leaving the country i have called home for half my life also makes me sad & a bit melancholy at times.
Negotiating my way round a new culture, new job, new city does send twinges of panic through me.
Also, the thought of learning a new language does stress me.


But the thing that gives me the biggest stomach twists is the thought of physically moving out of my flat.
I have lived there for 11 years; i am a hoarder; i am unbelievably untidy - Need i say more?
How on earth am i going to negotiate my way through the mountain of crap i have accumulated?
How will i decide what to take? What should i through away? Will i regret it once i HAVE thrown it away?
That is the thing that stresses me most. Not the goodbyes, new language, new culture or new life. Just the moving.