08 February, 2007

>>melancholic happiness<<

'welcome europe' - squarepusher


i did it again. i just wrote a lovely post & then deleted it all by mistake.
this time it wasn't the computer's fault - just my own stupidity.

so, will start writing it all over again. hopefully i won't be a complete imbecile & erase it all again. perhaps i should just move away from the keyboard, have a beer & come back tomorrow?
no, am feeling very stubborn now. i WILL post to my blog - even if it does kill me....

have been feeling very weird this week. it's kind of hard to explain how i am feeling - it's a whole hodge podge of stuff. but i will try & explain...
i feel melancholic, with an undertow of rage, sadness & angst. but the strange thing is that i am not feeling 'down' - in fact i feel ok about things. but i just have this 'itchiness'.

been thinking about why i am feeling like this, and i have come up with a number of reasons...
(oh, yeah, analysing myself will REALLY put the world to rights....)

1) i am going to england on sunday.
this in itself is not a bad thing, but it's my first trip back since ex-boy & me broke up. i am a bit nervous that some relative will inadvertently ask the wrong question & set me off in an embarrassing mess of tears & snot. not quite the image i want to portray to all the rellies i haven't seen for nearly 2 years...

2) going to england
yeah, i know that was 1 as well. but this is in a different way. when i am here, i don't really think about england as 'home'. but when i get nearer to the departure date, i start thinking 'i'm going home'. then another part of me shouts, 'NO! Japan is home!' i start to feel like i have 2 lovers and i am treating them both badly. and then i realise that in some cases, monogamy is not necessarily a good thing. and i feel ok again... but yeah, i am still in the tug of war stage at the moment.

3) after birthday crash
i really had a good birthday season this year - i really wasn't looking forward to it all, but it turned out WAY better than i anticipated or hoped. and now it's all over. that's the problem of having a b'day in january - from february to november, i just go to other people's parties (not that i don't enjoy them - but there is something to be said for being the centre of festivities)

4) men/boys
i know this is a constant theme here, but it is something that upsets me.
and the mini-fling that happened at the beginning of the year really hurt me. i didn't really write a lot about it at the time, and i am not going to now. but i am going to say a little, he was the first boy that i trusted & believed in for a long time. i thought he was better than the others, but no. and i feel f-ing stupid for trusting him & being hurt. i know i should let it go, but i have been feeling so stupid and gullible. it's going to take a while for me to trust myself to trust someone else. it's like i open & then just get shat on. a quote from bloc party, 'after sex, the bitter taste - been fooled again, the search continues'

and so yeah, that's how i've been feeling.
i feel like a frigging teenager in a 33 year old body.

both good & bad.


arumanda said...

ganbare ganbare miss sin.

and itterasshai!

Indigorayz said...

Hoorah for a holiday! Hey listen,maybe you will get a quick one over there! Seriously spread those wings and just do it! Might be fun!
Have fun,be fun,make fun! You are really good at that!

Sandi said...

I know what you mean about having a January birthday, darlin.

Hope England is being good to you.