galloping away in the land of nod

dreams - cranberries

don't know if it's all tied up with how i am feeling of late, but i have been having the most horrible nightmares lately.
i wake up physically tired, because i feel like i have been fighting all night.
let me give you a couple of examples from this week...

the first one was that someone was stalking me.
i was at home and in bed (this is in my dream) and the stalker managed to get into my bedroom.
he sat down on my bed...and this is the scary part - in my dream i could FEEL someone sit on my bed.
so, some part of my sub-conscious told me, 'wake up!! someone's in your room'.
so i dragged myself through various levels of sleep & managed to wake myself up.
i can only explain it like trying to swim to the top of the pool & get some air.
finally, i woke myself up and wow! bloody hell, my heart was beating so fast.
and i couldn't go back to sleep for hours. i'd really managed to scare myself stupid.
but the good thing was that there was no stalker....

the second one was last night & involved ex-boy.
now bear in mind that one of the reasons that we broke up was because he was unfatihful (this is the man that swore he could never cheat on anyone - yeah, no wonder i am screwed up now....but, hey, that's a whole different rambling monologue!!)
anyway, in my dream, we were broken up (as we are now), but for some dumb reason, i decided to go over to his place & ask him WHY he had chosen to be unfaithful.
and so i went over. and there he was with HER.
then for the rest of my dream, i hurled abuse at him & told him how much he had hurt me and damaged my trust in other people and so on.
ok, not so strange.
but then it got a bit weird....
because i was shouting & yelling & crying so much, i kind of lost the plot.
in fact, i would go as far to stay i lost complete control & started shouting at other people in my life. people who have been good to me, family, random strangers in my life...
it was like i had opened a flood gate & this whole stream of bitterness & anger just came flowing out.
and once i'd started, i couldn't stop.

and then i woke up.

i don't know which dream (maybe, nightmare is a better word here) scared me most.
losing control of my life, or losing control of myself? both pretty scary things...

alone

'girl afraid' - the smiths

be warned - this is not the happiest post in the world...

things in my world seem to get tougher & tougher & dealing with everything just seems so hard at times.
by 'things', i just mean everyday life. and the more i feel like this, the more pathetic i feel.
i mean, if you look at my life from the outside, things don't look that bad. in fact, i guess they would look pretty good.
but for me, on the inside of my life, i feel like crap.
why? in a word - loneliness.

i feel so damn alone.
i am constantly working, and i do enjoy it. and at the weekends, i have lovely friends who i can relax with & enjoy my free time.
so, yeah, it's not all bad.

but there are those days when you don't want to go out, and you just want top mooch all day.
those are the crap days.
those are the days when i no one calls, and the highlight of my day is talking to the staff in 7-11.
yes, i could pick up the phone. but what would i say? 'hey, i'm feeling really pathetic & lonely. will you be my friend?'
no, i am not going to say that.
and besides, the whole point of a mooch day is to stay home & mooch.

so, i bear my mooch days.

what else can i do? it's just making me really tired, and lately i've started crying for no reason.
well, there is a reason - just being lonely.
and the worse i feel, the more pathetic i feel, and then i feel even worse.
vicious damn cycle.

and PLEASE do not give me sympathy. that just makes me feel ungrateful & stupid.

..Octoberfest..

'great waves' - dirty three

when to the annual octoberfest up in minato mirai at the weekend. was excellent fun as usual - interesting crowd out there. hardcore drinkers, families, german fanatics and people who just happened to be there.
made me think about going last year, when indigo girl was still around. am missing you, sweety!
this year was some of the same members, but some new too. but it was nice. and the beer was good!!!

am feeling a bit weird this week. was feeling a bit down at the beginning of the week, then got bad news about my grandma. she needs to go into hospital to have a 'pelvic mass' removed. what IS one of those? sure doesn't sound good....
when things like this happen, i feel so bloody far away. thing is, even i were there, what could i do?

anyway - keep your good thoughts out for my grandma.