...s...l...o...w...

loomer - my bloody valentine

i have no idea what's going on with my computer...but the internet is *so* slow!
feel like i have gone back to dial-up. it takes so long to upload & download stuff, that i just give up.
as for websites with pictures? forget it!

thing is i am not really sure what's going on. is it my computer? is it the internet connection? is it the cable? wish i was more comuter savvy so i could find out what exactly the problem is. guess i should start by calling the internet company...in the meantime if anyone has any ideas about what could be wrong, please please tell me...

remember when we first got internet at home? and we all had dial up?
and we thought it was so cool & fast...
then broadband came along...
now i am getting *so* frustrated with the slowness, and to think that five years ago i would have been impressed with it all.
everything's getting faster & we're getting more & more impatient, and want everything NOW.
sometimes feel like a hamster on a wheel & i'm trying to run along & catch up with everything/everyone.
maybe i shouldn't call the internet company & just go slow for a while?

hm....nah! don't have to patience & i want to look at pretty pictures....

troubled...

1% of monster - mogwai

am feeling very out of sorts lately.
i feel disconnected, lost & disappointed.

i feel let down by a few people i have put my faith in.
no they haven't betrayed me or lied to me, but they have truly disappointed me.

i can't really write about the ins & outs of it all, because i might get myself into trouble.
but let me explain in a kind of round about way...

a lot of crap has happened in the past year, and i have been relying on a couple of ' safe places' to get me through it all.
one of them has turned out recently to be not as safe as i thought it was.
i have committed a lot of time & energy there, but i feel very very let down.
i am trying really hard to keep my motivation and be the best i can be, but it is proving hard.
when you don't feel valued - what IS the point?
and when you want to be heard but nobody really listens - what DO you do?
and when you shout and still nobody does anything - DO you stay?

that's one of the things that's been bothering me of late. it's starting to wear me out, but i really don't know where to turn.
so here i am.

and then the other things that is dragging me down is this whole single-flirtation thing.
how do you really know if the other person is interested, or just wants to play?
is there some secret code that i am not privy to? or is everyone stumbling around as blind as i am?
and do we settle, or do we wait until we get the one we really want?
it's been too damn long and i feel like i am the deep end of the pool trying to swim.
(and anyone who knows me well, will know that i am not happy when i am out of my depth...)

anyway - i am frustrated little girl who just wants to stamp her foot and say "it's NOT fair".
but that's not the really done thing for a 32 year old, is it?!