oo round in rambling circles oo

‘natural blues’ - moby

Been a busy girl these last few weeks & am so tired.

Yup – still the burn out thing. Some of it is to do with work – have been having a bit of a stressful time. But I won’t bore you with the details there.

Mainly, I am just too busy. There’s a lot going on at the weekends – and don’t seem to have time to rest. Then I spend the week tired – and then get to another busy weekend again. I can’t seem to find time to recharge.

But it’s a whole catch 22 thing…

And why? Well, I spend my weekday evenings here home alone. I don’t talk to anyone. And I can’t face a whole weekend of doing the same. I don’t want to slip down the deep dark abyss again. I know I need people. And if I stay home and rest, I don’t see anyone. Then I start getting into the terrible introspective cycle.

But if I go out, and avoid the loneliness, I don’t get the time to rest.

So what to do? It’s all so fucked up. And I know I don’t want to roomshare – despite the alone-ness, I need my space.

Guess I am my own worst enemy.

But what can I do to regain some balance in my life? Maybe it’s just that these few weeks have been over-packed. Hopefully things will settle down in the next few weeks.

I know this is going to sound so damn wrong, but I wish there was someone who would be mine. I wish there was someone that I could belong to. Even if we weren’t together, I wouldn’t feel alone. That’s the main thing I miss about being in a relationship – just knowing he was there, and I could call him anytime. And most of the time I didn’t call him, because the knowing was enough.

Ah…this post is turning way more melancholy than I intended, but I guess it’s just a reflection of my tiredness.

I’m tired of disastrous encounters with boys. I am tired of getting my hopes up & having them crushed. I am tired of trying to make sense of this messy dating thing. I wish the whole thing was way more open and honest – “hey, I like you. If you like me, let’s try & make this thing work” but no, that doesn’t happen. We just collide into each other, in a fog of lust, like & want. Then we stagger back, realize what we’ve done and run away. Then lick our wounds and go onto the next collision.

I’m tired of it. I don’t want any more collision.

Jeez – this post went in a whole different direction than I thought it would. Was originally going to write about being busy & tired. Look where I ended up!!