...i feel good...

'uhuru' - ramsey lewis

looks like autumn has nearly beaten down summer. the evenings are cooler & i am able to snuggle with my bear & seal (don't ask - they're my bed buddies...)
am also able to layer clothes and not just wear one tank top (yeah, ok, i know layering was a nineties thing, but i like it)
and soon the food here will get tasty - mushrooms, seafood, fish, and NABE! Woohoo!
Nothing like a good nabe to make you feel warm and cozy.

so, how am i? i'm good.
i feel a lot better for my long rambling cathartic scribblings last week.
also spent some time with frangipani at the weekend, which was refreshing. hadn't been to kichijioji for a long time - too long - and now i want to go back again and again and again...it's such a funky place.
full of cool & interesting people - and so many shops where i want to spend stupid amounts of money on silly things that have no clear functionability.

what else? hmmm...
do like a boy who shall remain nameless at this point. don't know how to proceed because i don't know if he's interested or not. does anyone have some secret test so i can find out? i don't want to make a fool of myself, but i don't want to waste away my life. sometimes i think, yes, maybe he IS interested. then other times, i think, no, there's no chance in hell.
so, what does a girl do? i wish it were simpler and i could just go up to him, tell him, and then he would say yes or no...but it doesn't work like that. now we're adults, we can't say what we REALLY feel/want. don't like that. so intead, i just hope and flirt a bit.
AND then there's the cultural thing - i can't work out j-boys.

they fascinate me because i don't know what they're thinking. i mean it's bad enough trying to work out a boy from the same culture, but one from a totally different culture? wow...
so yes, there's a j-boy-man that i am going a bit fluffy over - but i don't what to do...
HELP!!!!!

‘oscillate wildly’ – the smiths

be warned this is an extremely long & rambling post…get a cup of tea, go for a pee then start reading…

I said that i would try and get my thoughts down in some kind of way that other people can understand. however, it’s difficult. it’s hard to verbalise things that haven’t been fully formed, or even clarified. but I will try.

to put it bluntly, the last few months have been hard. lots of things have happened simultaneously, and they have left me tired & lonely. don’t worry – I am ok. I am especially ok when I have people around me. I just find it hard when I am alone at times – and even occasionally when I have poeple around me.

so, what’s been happening to make me like this?

on a physical level, I have just been very very busy with work. I spend approximately two weeks away from home every month & that wears me out. I still enjoy what I do, but I don’t like being cooped up in hotels or training centres away from my home comforts. it looks like it’s going to be like that for the rest of the year, and into January. but at least the money’s good…

on an emotional level, I have been struggling.

a good friend, S, was in hospital for about 4 months with a serious liver infection. meanwhile, his partner, M, was left at home anchorless. I was trying to been a support to lean on for him. and he has told me numerous times I was/am a good friend, which is lovely to hear. we came out of it all knowing that we are family. and that is a very reassuring thing.

but being strong for someone else is tiring. I did my best, and I think I succeeded. but there were times when I wanted to do was to curl up in a ball & cry. I didn’t (& still don’t) feel strong, but I had to be.

in other things, people around me seem to be moving forward with their lives, and I am not. friends are marrying, having babies, and generally sharing their lives.

and I am not. it makes my profoundly jealous at times. and I hate that part of me. of course I am happy for them, but jealously is such a horrible feeling to carry around. and however much I try to stop feeling like it, I can’t.

I don’t know whether this is part of the cause, but I have found myself withdrawing from people. people who are in the same country as me, I am not doing too badly. but people in other countries? I am being completely crap. I just don’t know what to say anymore. haven’t spoken to the parental types since they left japan in may. only speak to sis because she hunts me down by phone (thank you for that, a)

so please don’t be angry with me – I am still here.

I guess to put it completely bluntly, I have moments of complete and utter hopelessness.
and I hate it. but I really don’t know what to do.
what I would like is someone to put their arms around me, tell me they love me and convince me that things will be ok.

so, yeah, that’s me.

now that I’ve got the negative stream-of-consciousness out of the way, let me write around the good things that have been happening.
and, no, it hasn’t been all bad.

summer has nearly finished, maybe even has finished, and even though I didn’t have a holiday as such, I did do some fun things over the summer...

I went to wedding near the sea & saw many happy smiley faces…

I went to the sea twice, sat in a bar on the beach, watched the sun go down & listened to live music…

I went camping somewhere in kanagawa – where I went I am not exactly sure, but it was beautiful & green…

I went to a Japanese rock & roll/punk night & met lots of wonderfully cool (& friendly) rockers…

I went to fukuoka (on business – but I had my evenings free) and ate delicious ramen & met some friendly fukuokans…

And for j-ster – in answer to your questions…

what was the silliest thing you did this summer?

hmm…having someone lick spice off my forehead? or doing too many tequila shots – then forgetting what a bad effect they have on me and doing it all again the next night? or falling asleep in a bar – at the counter (think I did that twice, but I can’t exactly remember…)?

who do you love right now?

now that’s a toughy. no love at the moment – but do have someone I like, but he has absolutely no idea, and as I am sure it’s doomed anyway, I am never going to tell him.

what are you up to next?

well, fall training is starting on Saturday, so thought I would completely over-extend myself and do it when I am in time as a part-time trainer.

and I hope to go down to Izu at the beginning of november for a musical weekend (Mooney’s annual shimoda live event)

I am planning a trip back home in February – shitty weather, but the tickets are cheap…

and sis is coming over in golden week (Disneyland here we come!! and yes, i know golden week isn't till may, but a coming over is a big event!)

so yeah, a lot of things are coming up…

ooh…and one of the potentially more interesting job assignments coming up this autumn is teaching pilots! real live flying pilots! wonder if I can ask them to wear their uniforms?

me me me me me meme!

‘tomorrow my friend…’ – EF

have been memed by j-ster, so felt it my duty to answer the questions

also, I have to apologise for being completely crap and not posting as much as i shouls.
Do have a number of reasons why & am going to try to collect my scattered thoughts and organize them in some kind of understandable way.

Why do you blog?
that’s a good question…I started because of peer pressure (yes, you, j-ster & indigogirl!!) then ex-boy and me broke up and this blog became a place for me to say that things I couldn’t really say out loud – or just didn’t feel totally comfortable verbalizing. And now? What is it? Still a place for me to say the unspoken.

How long have you been blogging?
just over a year – think I started in july 2005. And what a year it’s been…

Self portrait?
bedraggled, bit crumpled round the edges, but still large chunks of smarkle.

Why do readers read your blog?
hmmm…that’s another good question. I would like to think it is because people are interested in me, and want to know how I am doing. Not really sure though. Why are YOU reading?

What was the last search phrase someone used to get to your site?
apparently, there is a dj in france called miss sin, so I get a lot of people looking for her.

Which of your entries unjustly gets too little attention?
attention wasn’t something I was looking for to start with. Think I would be shocked if I did get too much attention…

Your current favourite blog?
I like my friends’ ones – i can see them when they’re not here. Or if they are here, I can see different pieces of them.

What blog did you read most recently?
PostSecret.

Which feeds do you subscribe to?
does this mean food? Ha ha ha…am so technically challenged.

What four blogs are you tagging with this meme and why?
don’t know enough blogging people to tag…j-ster tagged most of the ones I know! Will tag tanabata though…haven’t been in touch enough & want to hear her reasons.