...burblings: the return...

'thoughtforms' - lush

a while back, i blogged about my latest boy dilemma (don't know why i say 'latest'; it's been the same boy who keeps flitting about my world. . .)

anyway – j-ster wanted an update on what i had decided, so here it is (kind of...)

the honest answer is that i haven't really made any clear decisions about him & me. i have the willpower of a 2-year old and if he were to bat his pretty boy eyelashes at me, i'd lose whatever decisiveness i had previously had. so, i think it's better (for me) to not make any clear black & white decisions, because i'll just end up being disappointed in myself.

but, saying that, i am not going to lay myself open to be walked all over by him...not that he would do that, because he's a nice pretty boy.

but...

(be prepared to enter the slightly dark sin-world・・・）

lately, i have kind of given up.

i've lost hope that i'm going to find someone. my last few encounters with boys have been disastrous affairs that have ended up with me being hurt & still alone. i don't know if i can handle opening up to someone & then being stomped all over again. it's just easier to not go there in the first place.

on the other hand, because of this, i've realised that i've got to take better care of myself – especially my mental health. i cannot spend the rest of my life wallowing in self pity & slowly turning into some crazy old bitter woman with 25 cats, an overgrown garden & a brown knitted cardigan. i cannot go there. i don't want to be the old woman that all the kids are afraid of and call 'the witch', but there have been moments that i have envisioned myself becoming that woman.

or maybe i will...but i'll be the scary old woman with 25 cats, an effing huge stereo, purple hair & permanent party going on...

i digress...

so, i am trying to make a few changes in my world:

1. get out of the concrete jungle at least once a month
so far, so good; may & june = izu; july = nara; august = kamakura; and i've got enough airmiles to go to guam...

2. drink & smoke less.
no – i am not going to quit, but i am trying to it less or least in moderation.
i'm not getting totally wasted every week. still drink & smoke a lot, but less than i used too – haven't had tequila shots in over a month...

3. exercise more
am trying to get out on my bike more. last weekend i actually rode to blue corn by bike (took me 50 minutes one way...) nearly killed me, but i did it!!

i know they're not the most adventurous of changes, but i am trying...

hope that answers your question, j-ster ;)