tough times

'raindrops' - tindersticks

so, here i am.

2 weeks and counting.
know i shouldn't be counting and i should be getting on with life & stuff, but i can't.

i really feel stuck & i don't want to bore people with everything, so i am writing here.
the logical part of me knows that all this happened for a reason & i wasn't 100% happy before.
but the rest of me feels like i made a mistake.

the thought of not having him in my life makes me feel physically sick.
and i can't imagine myself with anyone else. i can't imagine myself with anybody. full stop.

never had a very good self-image to start off with, but now?
i am having a hard time seeing anything positive about myself.
have wonderful people around me telling me how great i am, but you know what?
as much as i want to believe them, i don't.
i don't feel pretty. i don't feel lovable. i don't feel like a good person.

i really cannot see anything good about me.
and whatever my wonderful friends say, i still don't believe them & that makes me feel worse.
i can't even trust/believe the people who care...what the hell is wrong with me?

i am really beginning to feel like there's no way through this.

i get through my days, then come home. and then i cry.
i can't bear to be alone. i can't stand the thought of long hours of nothingness.
and that what my life looks like right now. a big bleak nothingness.

so, i may look like i am ok. but i don't think i am.
i just don't want to spread my negativity around. it's bad & it's dark in my world right now.